A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[Leesparkykent]

Little 5 year old Mary sees a group of workmen turn up next door to build an extension. She takes an interest and starts to talk to them. The builders, with hearts of gold, adopt her as their site mascot. After a week they present her with a pink hard hat and hi vis. Even a wage packet of £5. "Goodness" says Mummy, smiling. "Are you working there next week?" Mary replies: "I think so Mummy, provided those w**kers at Travis deliver the f**kin bricks".

 

[R G]

 

[R G]

 

[R G]

 

[Silly Sausage]

My wife was a stunner when I met her, she wasn't much to look at......she worked in an abattoir.



Taken delivery of a 50m roll of bubble wrap, asked the driver if he could pop it in the hall......he's been in there for three days.

 

[Wilko]

A "Dad's worst joke" contender :
Why did the rabbit try to eat the road?
Because he'd heard it was a dual cabbageway ...

 

[telectrix]

paddy goes for a warehouse job...at the interview....

interviwer: OK paddy, can yo u make a decent brew?

paddy: to be sure, an all, oi can.

interviewer: and can you drive a forklift truck?

paddy: feckin' 'ell, how big's the feckin' teapot?

 

[Dan]

Christ the jokes thread has had 250k views!

That's a joke!

 

[Lou]

How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?

Konnichihuahua.

:mduck:

 

[Barry White]

The homeowner was delighted with the way the electrician had done all the work on his house. “You did a great job.” he said and handed the man his cash. “Also, in order to thank-you, here’s an extra £80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie.” Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the electrician. Thinking the electrician had forgotten something the man asked, “What’s the matter, did you forget something?” “Nope.” replied the electrician. “I’m just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked.”

 

[Barry White]

Girlfriend just accused me of cheating on her.
Told her she's starting to sound like my wife.

 

[Wilko]

Sparks, Doc and Priest are playing a round of golf and catch up a mad group who seem to be struggling to even hit the ball let alone make progress around the course. They start to get frustrated by this, but they see the club president is with the no-hopers and they ask what's going on? Mr Pres says the club is giving a day out to a local charity for the blind. Feeling a bit sheepish, the Priest says to Mr Pres. he will mention them in his prayers and the Doc says that he will offer to give them a free health check. The Electrician asks why don't they play at night?

 

[telectrix]

The population of this country is 51 million.
21 million are retired. That leaves 30 million to do the work.
There are 19 million in school. That leaves 11 million to do the work.
2 million are unemployed and 4 million are employed by the government.
That leaves 5 million to do the work.
1 million are in the armed forces which leaves 4 million to do the work.
3 million are employed by county borough councils leaving
1 million to do the work.
There are 620,000 people in hospital and 379,998 in prison.

That leaves two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you are sitting on your arse reading this
No wonder I’m sodding tired!

 

[Midwest]

Thread so long can't remember if I told this story. Oh well the old ones are the best.

Old mate of mine told me this true story. He had called round to see his mate on a Sunday afternoon.

(Unbeknown to my mate, some time before, his mate and missus had crept up to bed, whilst their 5 year boy Jamie was sat downstairs watching the tele. Unfortunately, the noise from the bedroom got to the curiosity of the little boy, and he went to investigate & opened the bedroom door. Jamie asked Mummy what Daddy was doing, to which she replied 'Ohh, he's just fidgeting').

So my mate rang the door bell, and Jamie opened the door;
'Hello Jamie'
'Hello Garry'.............
'Errr, is Mum or Dad in?'.
'Yes'
.............'Can I see them?
'Nope'.
'Why not?'
'Cos they're upstairs in bed fidgeting'.

 

[Barry White]

I want one

 

[Darkwood]

I got one of those @mykey , I do rate it so don't get me wrong but it's missing a breakfast in bed option which was a disappointment in all honesty, I'm hoping the next gen' will have this and more options as it's just getting tiresome now having to get up and make my own.

 

[Barry White]

 

[Taylortwocities]

With the Holiday Season fast approaching, how about a round reminding ourselves of some of the more memorable (or indeed forgettable)"Cracker Jokes", such as -

What did the Electrician's wife ask her husband when he came home at 3.45 a.m.?

Wire you insulate?

 

[Wilko]

A bit of a Daddy Joke follows :
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles

 

[Rpa07]

Yes but how do you know he's ticklish in the first place - you give him a --------!