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Discuss A bit of levity for a change my collection of one liners. in the Electricians Chat - Off Topic Chat area at ElectrciansForums.co.uk.

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  1. Vortigern
    Offline

    Vortigern Electrician's Arms

    Location:
    England
    Business Name:
    F.H. Electrical
    If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn’t go.

    Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me, which is why he lost his job in disaster relief.

    I’ve decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. Well, it was just collecting dust.

    Apparently, one in three Britons is conceived in an IKEA bed – which is crazy, because those places are really well-lit.

    I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

    Dave drowned, so at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted.

    My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.

    I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.

    I picked up a hitch-hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.

    I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting.’ So we stopped playing chess.

    I’m sure that wherever my dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.

    I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.

    When I was a kid, I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, ‘Oh, two or three.’ And she wonders why her marriage didn’t work.

    As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting. But apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.

    A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a women’s singles event.
     
    • Funny Funny x 14
    • Like Like x 1
  2. Wilko
    Offline

    Wilko Electrician's Arms

    Location:
    Berkshire
    Business Name:
    Wilko Electrics
    Mummy Mummy, Daddy's going out !
    It's alright dear, just throw a bit more petrol on him ...
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
  3. Gavin John Hyde
    Offline

    Gavin John Hyde Electrician's Arms

    Location:
    Somerset
    Business Name:
    Sulis Electrical Services Ltd
    Came home last week and said to the girlfriend, "I"ve heard the postman has slept with every woman on this street but one."She replied, "God, I bet it"s that stuck up cow from number 20!"
     
    • Funny Funny x 7
  4. littlespark
    Offline

    littlespark Electrician's Arms

    Location:
    Scottish Borders
    "Doctor, doctor. I feel like an island off the Southern coast of Italy!"

    "Don't be Sicily."
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  5. Chris86
    Offline

    Chris86 Regular EF Member

    Location:
    Birmingham
    My personal favourite:

    I called the local gym and asked the bloke there if he could teach me to do the splits. He asked "how flexible are you?" I said "I can't do Tuesdays or Thursdays"

    Tommy Cooper at his best!
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  6. dksanders
    Offline

    dksanders Electrician's Arms

    Apparently 25% of women in this country are on some kind of medication for mental illness!!

    I think that's terrible cause it means 75% aren't getting treated......
     
    • Like Like x 3
    • Funny Funny x 1
  7. telectrix
    Online

    telectrix Scouser and Proud of It Respected Member

    Location:
    cheshire/staffordshire
    Business Name:
    Telectrix
    Q.why don't women fart as much as men?

    A. coz they can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up the required pressure.
     
    • Winner Winner x 1
  8. FatAlan
    Offline

    FatAlan Trainee Trainee Access

    Location:
    Surrey
    I will never forget the last words my old grandad said just before he kicked the bucket. ‘I wonder how far I can kick that bucket’ :)
     
  9. telectrix
    Online

    telectrix Scouser and Proud of It Respected Member

    Location:
    cheshire/staffordshire
    Business Name:
    Telectrix
    Q. what do you say to an apprentice with 2 black eyes?

    A.nothing; you already told him twice.
     
  10. telectrix
    Online

    telectrix Scouser and Proud of It Respected Member

    Location:
    cheshire/staffordshire
    Business Name:
    Telectrix
    lady at bus stop asks me " how long will the next bus be?"

    reply.... " about 33 feet. "
     
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