A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[Kate]

That sounds like a geography question :santa_cheesy:

I wasnt bragging. I was making a statement. Your on about ancestors..I just meant me

 

[Richard Burns]

I downloaded the german keypad just to do the ß....the y and z key swapped places and ive had to revert back lol

as opposed to typing "ALT225" to get ß

 

[Geordie Spark]

Like this you mean?? ß

 

[Kate]

as opposed to typing "ALT225" to get ß

Im on a phone dont have an 'alt' key

 

[telectrix]

i ain't got the separate numerical keypad, so i can't do it either, anyway the queen is german, so who cares?

 

[specs]

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good” Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect

 

[tidyboiler]

I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen

haha.................... wonderful stuff! :rofl:

 

[tidyboiler]

so what's the problem?

 

[Spoon]

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.

 

[tidyboiler]

 

[specs]

3 women die and go to heaven. Like everyone else, they meet St. Peter at the gates.

St. Peter tells them, "The only rule we have is: 'Don't step on the ducks.'"

The 3 women think this odd, but as soon as their let through the gates, there are ducks EVERYWHERE! Not even 5 minutes go by and the first lady steps on a duck.

Up walks St. Peter with the ugliest guy you'd ever seen and chains them both together and tells her, "This is your punishment for stepping on a duck, you will be chained to this man for eternity."

The second woman goes a week before she steps on a duck and lo and behold, up walks St. Peter with another ugly man and chains them together saying, "This is your punishment for stepping on a duck, you will be chained to this man for eternity."

The third woman goes a year without stepping on a duck and up walks St. Peter with the most handsome of men and chains them together and walks off to which the woman says, "I don't know what I did to deserve this!"

The man replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

 

[telectrix]

**** a duck!

 

[specs]

A Husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

'To My Dear Wife. You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you & I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.'

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

'My Dear Husband. I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference:

18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow

 

[specs]

View attachment 20794

so what's the problem?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, "Don't enter that church, you daft idiot !!!"

His wife asks him, "What are you watching?"

Husband replies, "Our bloody wedding video

 

[specs]

cancelled

 

[Geordie Spark]

My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a willy on it

Specs ......

It's late and you're too tired to be making jokes.

Go to bed.

 

[Spoon]

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

 

[Spoon]

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary)

 

[specs]

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "When Mummy comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog."

"Why?"

"Cus Mummy said as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!

 

[specs]

**** a duck!

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks..
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ..
"What the **** would they want with a plasterer?