OP
specs
Geordie, I had just got up. Had a lot on today
, had to shower and get dressed ( all by myself I might add ).
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, had to shower and get dressed ( all by myself I might add ).
OP
Geordie Spark
Geordie, I had just got up. Had a lot on today
Ohhh ... you must be feeling all grown up now!!
You'll be stirring your own tea next!!
mg_smile:
OP
Geordie Spark
Geordie, I had just got up. Had a lot on today
Just for you cos you've been working so hard for looooonnng hours!
Enjoy EARLY BUDDY HOLLY-MIDNIGHT SHIFT TAKE 11 - YouTube
OP
specs
My first job title when I started work in my Dads business was 'Tea Stirrers Mate' , however being the keen go getter that I was, I was quickly promoted to 'Tea Maker in Chief', a position I held for some time. I was also in charge of the broom :smilewinkgrin:Ohhh ... you must be feeling all grown up now!!
You'll be stirring your own tea next!!
OP
specs
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting and he was reading the latest issue of Farmer's Weekly. He looked up from the page and said to her,
"Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"
She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied,
"Oh yes? Prove it."
He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay."
He then got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About a half an hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed,
"Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig was squealing, I couldn't be sure".
"Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"
She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied,
"Oh yes? Prove it."
He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay."
He then got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About a half an hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed,
"Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig was squealing, I couldn't be sure".
OP
specs
A husband and wife are cooing over their new born baby.
"Look at the size of his todger," says the man. "It's massive!"
"Yes dear," says the woman. "But at least he's got your ears."
"Look at the size of his todger," says the man. "It's massive!"
"Yes dear," says the woman. "But at least he's got your ears."
OP
specs
Paramedics attend a nasty accident, involving a sports car,
When they see the driver, screaming in pain, they tell him to calm down, as at least he wasnt flung thro the windscrean like his girlfriend.
He screams back..
"Have you seen whats in her f**k**g mouth"??
When they see the driver, screaming in pain, they tell him to calm down, as at least he wasnt flung thro the windscrean like his girlfriend.
He screams back..
"Have you seen whats in her f**k**g mouth"??
OP
specs
History of the Condom
I've always been a student of history but I didn't know this.
In 1272, the welsh invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873, the English refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
Don't thank me, I do this as a public service for the advancement of education
I've always been a student of history but I didn't know this.
In 1272, the welsh invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873, the English refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
Don't thank me, I do this as a public service for the advancement of education
OP
specs
There once was a man from St. Clair,
who was screwing his wife on the stair.
The banister broke,
so he quickened his stroke
and finished her off in mid-air
who was screwing his wife on the stair.
The banister broke,
so he quickened his stroke
and finished her off in mid-air
OP
specs
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
OP
specs
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=G4nX0Xrn-wo&sns=em worth the watch
OP
specs
http://img0.liveinternet.ru/images/attach/c/5/3970/3970473_sprite198.swf This is to keep certain people entertained, and should keep them busy for hours
OP
specs
OP
specs
http://www.poodwaddle.com/worldclock.swfhttp://www.poodwaddle.com/worldclock.swf this should keep you entertained for at least 5 mins
OP
specs
(I apologize up front for the Caps.. I just cut and pasted
)
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES : THESE REALLY WORK!!
1. TO AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES:
GET SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES AS YOU CHOP.
2 TO AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT-
USE THE SINK
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~
CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING
THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. [REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.]
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL STOP GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES -
YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE OIL AND DUCT TAPE.
IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE OIL.
IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES -
NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING,
BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM
DOWN THE STAIRS.
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES : THESE REALLY WORK!!
1. TO AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES:
GET SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES AS YOU CHOP.
2 TO AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT-
USE THE SINK
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~
CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING
THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. [REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.]
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL STOP GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES -
YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE OIL AND DUCT TAPE.
IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE OIL.
IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES -
NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING,
BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM
DOWN THE STAIRS.
OP
specs
A guy walks into a bar and notices a sign on the wall behind the bartender that reads: "FREE BEER FOR LIFE.. just ask your bartender how." Not paying much attention the guy walks over to the bar and orders a drink. After a half hour or so of having a few beers to himself he decides he's going to ask the bartender how he can get free beer for life. He approaches the bartender and says, "Excuse me how can I get free beer for life?" The bartender says "Well it's a simple three step process:
1. You have to eat a whole jar of habanero peppers.
2. You have to go into that first room where there's an alligator with a sore tooth, and you have to pull it out without getting a scratch on you.
3. In that second room there's a woman who has never had an orgasm, and your back has to be covered in scratches to prove that you gave her one."
So the man orders a few shots to get himself ready. After about five shots he grabs the jar of peppers and eats the whole thing as fast as he can, juice and all. With his mouth practically burning he orders a few more shots, downs them, and goes into the first room. As soon as he closes the door all the rest of the bar can hear is loud thrashing and yelling sounds coming form the room. After three minutes the guy opens the door, and walks out all sweaty and bleeding. Catching his breath the guy looks at the bartender and says:
"Alright, now where's the bitch with the sore tooth?
1. You have to eat a whole jar of habanero peppers.
2. You have to go into that first room where there's an alligator with a sore tooth, and you have to pull it out without getting a scratch on you.
3. In that second room there's a woman who has never had an orgasm, and your back has to be covered in scratches to prove that you gave her one."
So the man orders a few shots to get himself ready. After about five shots he grabs the jar of peppers and eats the whole thing as fast as he can, juice and all. With his mouth practically burning he orders a few more shots, downs them, and goes into the first room. As soon as he closes the door all the rest of the bar can hear is loud thrashing and yelling sounds coming form the room. After three minutes the guy opens the door, and walks out all sweaty and bleeding. Catching his breath the guy looks at the bartender and says:
"Alright, now where's the bitch with the sore tooth?
OP
specs
A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a high school school teacher, but just before the school year started, he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
The punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.
There was dead silence.
(He had no trouble with discipline that year.)
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
The punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.
There was dead silence.
(He had no trouble with discipline that year.)
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