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A new jokes thread for your amusement.

Discuss A new jokes thread for your amusement. in the Electricians Chat - Off Topic Chat area at ElectriciansForums.net

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days. This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.

The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.

She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:

"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
 
An old married couple was sitting in their rocking chairs enjoying a beautiful sunset when the old man looked at his wife and said "fvk you!"

A few minutes passed when the woman turned and said the same thing to her husband.

After about half an hour of this the old man said "I'll never understand why kids today like this oral sex so much!"
 
Two drunk men are walking down the street and come across a dog out front a yard licking his nuts,
One guy says out loud, I wish I can do that!
The other quickly replies, " well, I'd pet him first!"
 
Two drunk men are walking down the street and come across a dog out front a yard licking his nuts,
One guy says out loud, I wish I can do that!
The other quickly replies, " well, I'd pet him first!"

Love this joke, although it was 'well I won't tell/well that's just sick'
 
A husband caught with his trousers down by his wife. An almighty row ensued resulting in the wife demanding a split up. He packed his bags and was leaving when, as he opened the door, she said, "I hope you have a long slow painful death". To which he replied, "Changed your mind then!"
 
A drunk is staggering down the street and comes across a disconsolate guy with his head stuck under the bonnet of his car.
"What's the problem, mate?"
"Piston broke."
"So am I," replied the drunk.
 
Every night I do the following before I go to bed:

1. Put the cat out
2. Turn off the TV
3. Close the windows
4. Close the curtains
5. Lock the front door
6. SHOOT WHOEVER IS IN MY BATHROOM 5 TIMES WITH A GUN
7. Go to sleep

Oscar Pistorius has nothing to worry about !!
 
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Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden . . . POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?

Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life ... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"

THEN POOF! ... she was gone. After Dave got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend Fred. "Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussywillows."

Dave yells back......

"DON'T SWING FRED!!! For God's sake, DON'T SWING!!"
 
Every night I do the following before I go to bed:

1. Put the cat out
2. Turn off the TV
3. Close the windows
4. Close the curtains
5. Lock the front door
6. SHOOT WHOEVER IS IN MY BATHROOM 5 TIMES WITH A GUN
7. Go to sleep

Oscar Pistorius has nothing to worry about !!
Doesn't have a leg to stand on.........
 
Just incase the missus gets up in the middle of the night
using-toilet-please-dont-shoot-oscar-pistorius-bathroom-writing-13619576148.jpg
 

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