A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[Besoeker]

I originally heard this on a Billy Connoly tape. I have tried to avoid words that are (a) offensive and (b) local and unintelligible.

One day the Russian Circus came to Glasgow. At the end of the show the ringmaster made an announcement of a special act – Ivan the Terrible, a Russian wrestler.
Ivan has two special holds, the Half Pretzel which always causes an immediate submission by the opponent, and the Full Pretzel which breaks his back. So the ringmaster starts his spiel :
“One thousand pounds for anyone who can last three minutes with Ivan the Terrible”
Immediately Wee Hughie hears the amount of money he jumps up without thinking much about the consequences.
“I’ll do it, I’ll do it, I’ll do it” (More like “Ah’ll dae it“ but this is the international version !)
So Wee Hughie gets in the ring and strips down ready to tackle Ivan. The ringmaster brings in Ivan, a huge man, covered in hair and tattooed everywhere. Ivan just grunts and bares his teeth and dribbles. An absolute animal. Wee Hughie stands back in amazement at what he has let himself in for, but then starts to think about the money again (he would, being a Scot).
So the bout starts and pretty soon Big Ivan gets Wee Hughie in the half Pretzel. The crowd gasp……
Then, Ivan gets Hughie’s other arm and the Full Pretzel is on. A terrified hush falls on the crowd…..

Suddenly Big Ivan comes flying off and cracks his head on the edge of the circus ring and falls unconscious. The crowd go absolutely wild.
The ringmaster comes over to congratulate Hughie and give him the money.
“So Hughie, this has never been done before – tell us how you did it.”
“Aye weel, it was like this. He got me in that Pretzel thing and I could just feel the life draining out of my body. Suddenly, I saw it there right in front of me – this huge great Willie. So I sank my teeth right into it. And you know, it’s amazing the surge of strength you get when you bite your own Willie”

 

[Kamikaze]

This is what happens when you hold your farts in.:yesnod:

 

[Pete999]

This is what happens when you hold your farts in.:yesnod:
View attachment 26581

Got to be Walmart

 

[norcal]

Got to be Walmart

My first thought in viewing that photo was that it came from the People of WalMart website.

 

[ian.settle1]

Heard that the new Star Wars film is to go PC.

It has a fat robot in it to go with R2D2 and C3PO its called OBCT

 

[tidyboiler]

 

[telectrix]

is tat a selfie?

:21:

 

[SPARTYKUS]

Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer but the bartender says

"sorry we don't serve noble gases here"

He doesn't react.

 

[SPARTYKUS]

Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar.

And doesn't.

 

[SPARTYKUS]

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.

The barman says "you mean a martini?"

The Roman says

"If I wanted a double I would have asked for it"



and....

another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says

"five beers please"

 

[telectrix]

a white horse walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

cerianly sir, says rthe barman. did you know there's a whisky named after you/

don't be daft says the horse. whoever would name a whisky eric.

 

[trev]

Celine Dion walks into a bar. Barman says "Hi Celine, why the long face?"

 

[Besoeker]

Man walks into a bar and asks for a pint of beer and a shot glass of beer.
He pulls a little chap out of his pocket, all of nine inches tall, sits him on the bar and gives him the small glass of beer.

The barman is astounded.
"Where did you get him?"
"It's a but of a sad tale I have to tell. But can I let him play some piano music first?"
So he set the wee follow on the keyboard. He danced around and did a pretty nice rendition of Für Elise.

The man's story:
"I helped an old lady across a busy street. Then she thanked me for my kindness, then told me she was a witch and that she would grant me a wish as a reward for helping her. But she must have been partly deaf - so I've ended up with this nine inch pianist."

 

[Kamikaze]

Late one night at the asylum one of the patients shouted, “I am Napoleon!”
A person in another room said, "How do you know?"
The first patient said, "God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"

 

[Plonker 3]

A man walks into a bar.........









And says "ouch"

 

[dingledong]

It was an iron bar

 

[SPARTYKUS]

Heres a cracker of a cracker

 

[SPARTYKUS]

I know a Nepalese guy who has climbed Everest, swum with sharks and wrestled bears.

his name is Bindair Dundhat.

 

[norcal]

The Chicago Way

---

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence
at the White House. One is
from Chicago, another is from Kentucky, and the
third is from New Orleans.

All three go with a White House Official to
examine the fence. The New Orleans
contractor takes out a tape measure and
does some measuring, then works
some figures with a pencil. Well, he says, I
figure the job will run about
$9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000
for my crew and $1,000 profit for
me. The Kentucky contractor also does some
measuring, I can do this job for
$7,000. That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000
for my crew and $1,000 profit for
me.

The Chicago contractor doesn't
measure or figure, but leans over to the White
House Official and whispers,
$27,000. The official, incredulous, says, you
didn't even measure like the
other guys. How did you come up with such a
high figure? The Chicago
contractor whispers back, $10,000 for me, $10,000
for you, and we hire the
guy from Kentucky to fix the fence.

"Done!" replied the government
official.

And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan
worked!!!

Remember... Four boxes keep us free: the soap box, the ballot
box, the jury
box, and the cartridge box.

 

[specs]

The female dentist prepares the needle to give the bloke with the toothache an anaesthetic injection..





































































“No way! No needles, I hate needles!” the guy said.



So the dentist starts to hook up her nitrous oxide gas and the man objects again.



“I can't do the gas thing either. The thought of having the gas mask on my face makes me faint!”



She then asks the guy if he has any objection to taking a pill.



“No objection,” the patient says. “'I'm fine with pills.”



When she returns she says, “Here's a ------ and a glass of water.”



The guy says, “Wow! I didn't know ------ worked as a pain killer!”



“It doesn't” she said, "But it’ll give you something to hold on to while I pull your tooth out."