A new jokes thread for your amusement.

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A new jokes thread for your amusement.

Discuss A new jokes thread for your amusement. in the Electricians Chat - Off Topic Chat area at ElectriciansForums.net

A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. "I promised not to tell!" he says. "Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks. "No, and I said I wouldn't tell." "Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No," says the boy. 'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months." Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads."
 
Exercise for the over 60's

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room on each side.



With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.



Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.



Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.



After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.





Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)



After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each bag.
 
stantheman said:
Specs, I've got to ask, where do you get these jokes from? My sides are still splitting!
Click to expand...
My apologies for the physical torment I am putting you thru, as for my sources they are many and varied, I try to pick out the one's which I think the members will enjoy, unfortunately my choices are not always correct.
But i will persevere.
Fortunately for me the forum has untold amounts of repeated threads, this thread has untold amounts of original humour, this gives the members a place to get away from such things as ' neutrals at switches' 'shed power supplies etc etc.etc
So I and many others donate our humour to hopefully make this place a home away from home for the members an I do believe quite a few visitors
 
Robot Bartender

A guy goes into a bar and there is a robot bartender. The robot says,
"What will you have?" The guy says "Martini." The robot brings back the
best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says,
"168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration
and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The
robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini".
Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says,
"What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk
about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will
try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What
will you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him
another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy
says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "So... you people still happy
you voted for Obama?"
 
A man goes to see a psychiatrist.

the doc says: " what seems to be the problem?"

" I keep thinking I'm a dog" replies the patient.

"OK, just lie on the couch, please" says the shrink.

" I'm not allowed on the couch" replies the patient.
 
Paddy walks into a bar in Dublin , orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.






When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar & ordered three more.






The barman says,"You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it. Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."






Paddy replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America & de odder in Australia & here I am in Dublin ..






When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."






The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.






Paddy becomes a regular customer & always drinks the same way ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn until they are finished.






One day he comes in & orders just two pints.






All the other regulars in the bar notice & fall silent.






When he goes back to the bar for the second round the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."






Paddy looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!






“Tis me............... I've Quit Drinking!”


 
Paddy's fingers

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally

cut off all 10 of his fingers.


He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.


The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.


Paddy said,

'Oi haven't got da fingers.'


'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?

Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2010

We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.

I could have put dem back on and made you like new!

Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'








And Paddy said,

' How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up !!!
 
Melbourne International Airport








​

Melbourne Tower : "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R."
Saudi Air : "Thank you Melbourne . Acknowledge cleared to land on
infidel's runway 9R. Allah be Praised."








Melbourne Tower : " Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."
Iran Air : "Thank you Melbourne . We are cleared to land on infidel's
runway 27L. - Allah is Great."

Pause....
Saudi Air : " MELBOURNE TOWER - MELBOURNE TOWER !"
Melbourne Tower : "Go ahead Saudi Air 511..."
Saudi Air : "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE
SAME RUNWAY GOING IN

OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE . ... .. ... ... INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"








Melbourne Tower : "Proceed to your destination and tell Allah we said "Hi"
 
Postman Pat's Last Day......

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented him an 18-carat goldwatch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love-making he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cups bottom edge.
'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the five quid for?' 'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you'. 'I asked him what to give you'.
He said, 'F*ck him. Give him a fiver.' She smiled shyly and said, .....'The breakfast was my idea.
 
[FONT=arial black,sans-serif]ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST
[/FONT]
[FONT=arial black,sans-serif]Read this text once and [/FONT]Count every "[FONT=arial black,sans-serif]F "
[/FONT]
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...






So How Many, .....3 ??

Nope try once again...


I'll come back later to give the reason why... lol!!
 
An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office. The Doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple are asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse". He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them £50 and he says goodbye. The next week, however, the couple return and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?" The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50,and I get £43 back from BUPA.
 
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.
''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''
''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.
"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.
''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''
''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''
''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.
''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.
''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers.
"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''
''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
 
Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint in Harwich, Essex.

Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry.
It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind.

"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly.
"Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four.
You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry.
It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."

The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you.
Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."
 
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...


My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house.
Turns out she was a Slovak.



Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they lectured me for 30 minutes on the benefits of brown bread.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.


It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I've turned
myself around and that's what it's all about.




 
Don't know if I've already posted this........

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"

"Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked quite aghast, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my own wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the damn gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the mother fakker to death with the chair!"
 
Jeremy Clarkson has been suspended. He must have done something that even the BBC find inexcusable

So that rules out child abuse then....


 
Engineer54 said:
ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST

Read this text once and Count every "F "

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...






So How Many, .....3 ??

Nope try once again...


I'll come back later to give the reason why... lol!!
Click to expand...


four times I had to read that
 
quote_icon.png
Originally Posted by Engineer54
ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST

Read this text once and Count every "F "

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...


So How Many, .....3 ??

Nope try once again...


I'll come back later to give the reason why... lol!!
Click to expand...



No you're all wrong there are actually 6 F's in the text. ... lol!!

The reasoning behind this is :-

The brain cannot process "OF".

Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!


Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.
Three is normal, four is quite rare.
 
Ive got an analytical mind and spend my days problem solving machine circuitry with little info.... so I sense I had an advantage when I saw 6 on my first read lol .... I struggle to see how people don't acknowledge the F's in 'of' but your right as I showed our lass and she didn't see them.
 
I thought I was being clever counting the F in the question but missed the of's.

Not as smart as I thought I was.

Of course. :)
 
I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.
As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for... a bus.
So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"
She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too.
As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's."
"Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?"
I said, "I've just fu**ing told you, on the floor outside McDonald's."
 
Paddy englishman, paddy irishman and paddy scotsman went out with their girlfriends to breakfast. they got there food. Paddy Englishman was looking for the suga...r so he said to his girl "pas us the sugar, sugar" paddy scots man was looking for the honey so he said to his girl "pass us the honey, honey" paddy irishman was looking for the milk so he said to his girl "pass us the milk, you big fat cow!!..
 
steve50 said:
Paddy englishman, paddy irishman and paddy scotsman went out with their girlfriends to breakfast. they got there food. Paddy Englishman was looking for the suga...r so he said to his girl "pas us the sugar, sugar" paddy scots man was looking for the honey so he said to his girl "pass us the honey, honey" paddy irishman was looking for the milk so he said to his girl "pass us the milk, you big fat cow!!..
Click to expand...

i heard a different version

englishman,irishman and a scotsman went shopping and they fancied the shopkeeper. . the englishman asked her "a bag of sugar, sugar" and she wasnt impressed, so the scotsman went up and asked "a jar of honey, honey" and she wasn't impressed, so the irishman walks up and says "a pound of bacon, you fat pig!!..
 
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