A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

February 13th, last year, a girl wanted to know how her hubby would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. So she decided to write him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. After writing it, she put the letter on the table in the bedroom and hid under the bed.

When her hubby came back home, he saw the letter and read it. Then, he wrote his own message down and began to sing and dance while changing his clothes. He took out his phone, dialed someone, then said: "Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes then I will join you. As for the other fool, it has finally dawned on her that I was fooling around behind her back so she left me. See you soon, honey!" Then her hubby walked out of the room.

In tears, she got up from under the bed and decided to read what her hubby wrote on the letter. When she picked it up and read it, it said: "I could see your feet, you idiot. I am going out to buy bread."

 

[telectrix]

Fred Talbot has been sentenced to 5 years in the Scrubs. I predict a 90% chance of some uncomfortable showers.

 

[Maddison]

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don't know what either of those things are

 

[specs]

Asked my Grandpa "what happened to your girlfriend?"

He said "she died from gonorrhea"

"But grandpa", I said, "you can't die from gonorrhea"

Grandpa replied, "you do when you give it to me!"

 

[specs]

Y’all kin say whut y’all want ‘about the South, but y’all never heard o’ nobody retirin’ an’ movin’ North.

 

[spark 68]

Cherie's Chauffeur

Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car
comes to a stop.

Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You get out
and check - you were driving.'

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Cherie.



Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled
with a big grin on his face.

'My God, what happened to you?' asks Cherie.
The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best
bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter
made love to me.'

'What on earth did you say?' asks Cherie..

'I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them: 'I'm
Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'

 

[specs]

Working people frequently ask retired people,what they do to make their days interesting...

Well,for example,the other day my wife and i went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out,there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket.We went up to him and said,

"Come on man,how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an "-------"He glared at me ,and started writing another ticket,for having worn out tires.

So my wife called him a "****head"

He finished second ticket,and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets,this went on for about 20mins.The more we abused him,the more he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived,and we got on it,and went home...

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.It's important at our age!

 

[specs]

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, they came across a golden frog.

They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and Complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

 

[Silly Sausage]

I know we all laughed at supermarkets having to move daffodils away from food. But a friend of a work colleague just got taken into hospital seriously ill after eating a daffodil bulb.
It's alright though he will be out in the spring.

 

[specs]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in..
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all......right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken"

 

[specs]

Charlie had a massive heart attack and died. His body was
delivered to the mortuary. He had been wearing an expensive,
expertly tailored black suit at the time of his demise, so
he really looked great, considering the circumstances.

His wife went to the funeral home to make the final
arrangements for his interment. She spoke to the mortician
about what her husband would be wearing. The mortician
pointed out that the man looked really nice in the black
suit he was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier
and less expensive to leave him dressed as he was.

The woman noted that Charlie had always looked his very
best in blue, and that she really wanted him in a blue suit
for his trip to eternity. She gave him a blank check and
said, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my
husband in the very best blue suit money can buy for the
ceremony."

The woman came back the next day for the wake. To her
delight, she found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue
suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly.

She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very
satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful.
How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the
blank check, indicating there was no charge for these extra
services. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost
of that exquisite blue suit!" she said.

The mortician responded, "Honestly, ma'am, the change to
the blue suit cost nothing.

Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's
size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday,
wearing an attractive blue suit.

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave
wearing an attractive black suit. She indicated that it
made no difference, as long as he looked nice.

So I switched the heads."

 

[specs]

Subject: A Scottish Love Story




A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.



For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."



"Well, uh, I was thinkin... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."



The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.



Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.



Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?"



"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed.



And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."



"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.



Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."



The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, 'my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.'



"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.



"Aye," said the lad, nodding.



The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.



Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

 

[specs]

NOT A JOKE
I approached my car from the passenger side to place my computer bag on the front passenger seat.

As I reached to open the door I noticed there was a hole right under my door handle.

My first thought was, "Someone has shot the car !"

I began to think about it and inspect it a little closer and the "light" slowly began to dawn.

I phoned a friend who owns a body shop, and asked if he had any vehicles with damage to the doors that looked like a bullet hole.

"Yes, I see it all the time. Thieves have a punch and place it right under the door handle, knock a hole through, reach in and unlock it, just as if they have a key. No alarms, broken glass, or anything."

I then placed a call to my insurance agent and explained it to him. I was puzzled that they left my GPS and all other belongings.

Here is where it gets scary !

"Oh no, he said, they want the break-in to be so subtle that you don't even realize it. They look at your GPS to see where "home" is. Or check your address from Insurance and Registration documants in your glove box. Now they know what you drive, go to your home, and if your vehicle isn't there they assume you aren't, and break into your home."

He said they will even leave a purse or wallet and only take one or two credit cards. By the time you realize there has been a theft, they may have already had a couple of days or more to use them. (I didn't realize my situation for two full days!) They even give you the courtesy of re-locking your doors for you.

Periodically, walk around your car, especially after you park in a shopping centre or other large parking area.

Report thefts immediately....your bank w/missing cheque numbers, your credit card agencies, police, and insurance companies, etc.

Below is picture of what the hole looks like.


cid:F7C2521880184687AD4ECC218C067E11@brilock1VAIO
Hole Under Door Lock


One would have to look pretty darn close to notice a hole like that. If the hole was on the passenger side I would never see it.

 

[ian.settle1]

I was standing in a queue behind a fat woman with a huge arse,

When her phone started bleeping.

A little boy behind her said "F**k me she's reversing!!

 

[specs]

ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW…


~A Cup of Tea ~

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Dad was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mum came home.

My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mum waited, and sure
enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?”

 

[specs]

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. (It was valid).
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. (The driver owned the car).
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. (Trunk is opened; no body).
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Oh Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!

 

[specs]

http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a...4832098_8444283774893710726_n_zps2dsdnwlm.jpg

 

[specs]

My Wife came home early and caught me having a yank in the kitchen.

Before I could find any guard for this, she rushed over,

and gave me the best blow job of HER life.

In the meantime, I had found some words to guard myself behind, so I said;

"We haven't had sex for 6 months, and then you appear out of nowhere and suddenly do this?

...Why?..

She said

"I only washed the floor this morning, I'd rather clean my teeth, than get the fvkin' mop out again!!"

 

[Besoeker]

Subject: A Scottish Love Story

Reminds me of another.
Jock and Jean were walking down a road with a high stone dyke on one side.
"Let's jump over and have some fun," Jock suggests.
Jean looks at the dyke.
"I cannae. It's too high."
Jock lifts his kilt.
"Here, stand on this."
"Aye, but how will I get back?"

 

[specs]

MALE V FEMALE AT THE ATM



A new sign in the Bank reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM’s enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles



Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.



After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.

Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender'

*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:



1... Drive up to the ATM.

2. LOWER your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window..

7. Drive off..

************************* ******

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

(Unfortunately, most of this is the Truth.!!)



1. Drive up to ATM machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN ...

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to ATM machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you..

24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.

27. Release Hand Brake.

Hope I only sent this to the blokes ... OH DEAR !

 

[specs]

5000 men surveyed were asked "what do you like best about blow jobs?"
1% said they liked the warmth
2% said they like the eroticism
3% said they liked the sensuality

94% said they liked the piece and quiet....

 

[specs]

5000 men surveyed were asked "what do you like best about blow jobs?"
1% said they liked the warmth
2% said they like the eroticism
3% said they liked the sensuality

94% said they liked the piece and quiet....

 

[ian.settle1]

At a school near you!
Teacher taking the register.

Mustafa Al Shebab--------"Here"
Ahmed El Kabul-----------"Here"
Fatima El Bindri-----------"Here"
Ali Achmaka El Kebab----"Here"
Ali Sun Al en ----------------?
Little girl at the back of the class stands up and says "For **** sake, it's pronounced Alison Allen!

 

[specs]

David Cameron was looking for a call girl.
He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, I am the Prime Minister of The United Kingdom.
Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'

She replied, "£200".

To the brunette he asked the same question.

Her reply was "£100".

He then asked the redhead

Her reply was:

"Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as the bankers bonuses, my panties as low as the minimum wage, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, keep it rising like my overdraft each month, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you have the country then you can have it for free.".


For Trev

 

[specs]

think I have posted before, but what the hell.
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was the romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon, the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband text back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

 

[specs]

Another possible repeat


THE WHALES


A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.
The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realised the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

 

[specs]

Ed Miliband walks into a bank to cash a cheque.

'Good morning', says Ed, 'would you please cash this cheque for me?'

Cashier: 'It would be my pleasure Sir, but could you please show me some identification?'

Miliband: 'Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. But hang on! I'm Ed Miliband, Leader of the Opposition and of the Labour Party!!!'

Cashier: 'Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers etc, I must insist on seeing some identification'.

Miliband: 'Just ask any of the customers here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!'

Cashier: 'I'm sorry Sir, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them'.

Miliband: 'I am urging you please, to cash this cheque for me'.

Cashier: 'Look Sir, this is what we can do. One day Colin Montgomerie came into the bank without any ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomerie he pulled out his putter and putted a ball along the floor and into a small
cup. With that sort of skill we knew it was Colin Montgomerie and we cashed his cheque. On another occasion, Andy Murray came in without any ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and lobbed a tennis ball straight into my teacup with such a spectacular shot that we all knew it was Andy Murray.'

Ed Miliband stood there thinking and thinking and then finally says, 'To be honest, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing that I'm any good at.'

Cashier: 'Will it be large or small notes you require Mr Miliband?

 

[specs]

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dlck', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't plss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Deleted member 72666]

Specs, I've got to ask, where do you get these jokes from? My sides are still splitting!

 

[telectrix]

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''