Discuss A new jokes thread for your amusement. in the Electricians Chat - Off Topic Chat area at ElectriciansForums.net

A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear
a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One Marine is better than ten Isis
fighters". The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune
where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.



The voice once again calls out: "One Marine is better than one hundred Isis
'S.O.B.'s'". Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over
the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of
battle, again silence.







The voice calls out again: "One Marine is better than a thousand Isis
fighters." The enraged Isis commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them
to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets
and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought ..... then silence.



Eventually, one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and
with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men ... it's
a trap. There's two of them."
 
Well I didn't know that!!!!!



There is an old Hotel/Pub in Marble Arch, London , which used to have a gallows adjacent to it. Prisoners were taken to the gallows (after a fair trial of course) to be hanged.
The horse-drawn dray, carting the prisoner, was accompanied by an armed guard, who would stop the dray outside the pub and ask the prisoner if he would like ''ONE LAST DRINK''.
If he said YES, it was referred to as ONE FOR THE ROAD.
If he declined, that prisoner was ON THE WAGON.




So there you go.. More bleeding history.



They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot and then once a day it was taken and sold to the tannery. If you had to do this to survive you were "**** poor", but worse than that were the really poor folk, who couldn't even afford to buy a pot, they "Didn't have a pot to **** in" and were the lowest of the low.



The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500s:
Most people got married in June, because they took their yearly bath in May and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.



Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!"



Houses had thatched roofs, thick straw piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."



There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom, where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing.

As the winter wore on they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.


(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)





In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight, then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: ''Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot, nine days old''.



Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over they would hang up their bacon, to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "Bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around talking and ''chew the fat''.



Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.





Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or ''The Upper Crust''.



Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of ''Holding a Wake''.



England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people, so they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realised they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, thread it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.

Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus someone could be, ''Saved by the Bell ''or was considered a ''Dead Ringer''

And that's the truth.

Now, whoever said history was boring ! ! !
 
Chester and Earl are going hunting….



Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't many ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."



So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice.



Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."


Earl looks at Chester and skeptically says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth are you?"

Obviously Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself.When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it. There really are only two ducks out there!



Where did you get that dog"?



Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want one, you can get one from him".



So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks.



Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in its mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.



Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. All he wants to do is play 'fetch a stick!' I want my money back!"



This concerned the breeder who asked Earl what the dog did.



So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.



The relieved breeder says, "Earl, dogs can't talk. He was trying to tell you there are more fvking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"
 
some more history for you. when henry 8 was king, he was a chelsea fan. after the execution of ann bolyn, just for a laugh, he took her head to the match for the team to have a kick about with it. hence the custom of flipping a coin...... heads kick off.
 
some more history for you. when henry 8 was king, he was a chelsea fan. after the execution of ann bolyn, just for a laugh, he took her head to the match for the team to have a kick about with it. hence the custom of flipping a coin...... heads kick off.
brings new meaning to, ' eye off the ball' 'beautiful header' 'headed in'.
 
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
 
For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is.
They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.

Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a
Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2-- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3(Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

CHILI #2 - PHOENIXBBQ CHICKEN CURRY...
Judge # 1-- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3-- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...
Judge # 1-- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2-- A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.
Judge # 3-- Call 911. I've located a uranium pill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****ed from all the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...
Judge # 1-- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2-- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3-- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1-- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2-- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chilli peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1-- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2-- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3-- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to shi*t myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my --- with a snow cone ice-cream.

CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...
Judge # 1-- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2-- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3-- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...
Judge # 1-- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2-- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry?
Judge # 3 - No Report.
 
No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the
difference between "complete" and "finished." However, during a recent
linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some
of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese
linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that very
distinction.

The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was
this: "Some say there is no difference between 'complete' and 'finished.'
Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand."

Mr. Balgobin's response: "When you marry the right woman, you are
'complete.' If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'finished.' And, if
the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are 'completely
finished.'"

His answer received a five minute standing ovation
 
An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. It was a man. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.

They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out "My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!" The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman call out, "Hey!, you!!! Are you Jesus?" The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus" he says. The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus,or what?" Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a stubbie of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement."Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By jove", he exclaims, " The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.

The Aussie whispers ... "Fvk off mate, I'm on Workers Compo
 
February 13th, last year, a girl wanted to know how her hubby would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. So she decided to write him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. After writing it, she put the letter on the table in the bedroom and hid under the bed.

When her hubby came back home, he saw the letter and read it. Then, he wrote his own message down and began to sing and dance while changing his clothes. He took out his phone, dialed someone, then said: "Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes then I will join you. As for the other fool, it has finally dawned on her that I was fooling around behind her back so she left me. See you soon, honey!" Then her hubby walked out of the room.

In tears, she got up from under the bed and decided to read what her hubby wrote on the letter. When she picked it up and read it, it said: "I could see your feet, you idiot. I am going out to buy bread."
 
Fred Talbot has been sentenced to 5 years in the Scrubs. I predict a 90% chance of some uncomfortable showers.
 
Asked my Grandpa "what happened to your girlfriend?"

He said "she died from gonorrhea"

"But grandpa", I said, "you can't die from gonorrhea"

Grandpa replied, "you do when you give it to me!"
 
Cherie's Chauffeur

Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car
comes to a stop.

Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You get out
and check - you were driving.'

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Cherie.



Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled
with a big grin on his face.

'My God, what happened to you?' asks Cherie.
The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best
bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter
made love to me.'

'What on earth did you say?' asks Cherie..

'I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them: 'I'm
Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'
 
Working people frequently ask retired people,what they do to make their days interesting...

Well,for example,the other day my wife and i went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out,there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket.We went up to him and said,

"Come on man,how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an "-------"He glared at me ,and started writing another ticket,for having worn out tires.

So my wife called him a "****head"

He finished second ticket,and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets,this went on for about 20mins.The more we abused him,the more he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived,and we got on it,and went home...

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.It's important at our age!
 
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, they came across a golden frog.

They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and Complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!
 
I know we all laughed at supermarkets having to move daffodils away from food. But a friend of a work colleague just got taken into hospital seriously ill after eating a daffodil bulb.
It's alright though he will be out in the spring.
 
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in..
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all......right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken"
 
Charlie had a massive heart attack and died. His body was
delivered to the mortuary. He had been wearing an expensive,
expertly tailored black suit at the time of his demise, so
he really looked great, considering the circumstances.

His wife went to the funeral home to make the final
arrangements for his interment. She spoke to the mortician
about what her husband would be wearing. The mortician
pointed out that the man looked really nice in the black
suit he was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier
and less expensive to leave him dressed as he was.

The woman noted that Charlie had always looked his very
best in blue, and that she really wanted him in a blue suit
for his trip to eternity. She gave him a blank check and
said, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my
husband in the very best blue suit money can buy for the
ceremony."

The woman came back the next day for the wake. To her
delight, she found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue
suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly.

She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very
satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful.
How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the
blank check, indicating there was no charge for these extra
services. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost
of that exquisite blue suit!" she said.

The mortician responded, "Honestly, ma'am, the change to
the blue suit cost nothing.

Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's
size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday,
wearing an attractive blue suit.

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave
wearing an attractive black suit. She indicated that it
made no difference, as long as he looked nice.

So I switched the heads."
 
Subject: A Scottish Love Story




A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.



For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."



"Well, uh, I was thinkin... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."



The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.



Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.



Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?"



"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed.



And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."



"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.



Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."



The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, 'my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.'



"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.



"Aye," said the lad, nodding.



The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.



Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
 
NOT A JOKE
I approached my car from the passenger side to place my computer bag on the front passenger seat.

As I reached to open the door I noticed there was a hole right under my door handle.

My first thought was, "Someone has shot the car !"

I began to think about it and inspect it a little closer and the "light" slowly began to dawn.

I phoned a friend who owns a body shop, and asked if he had any vehicles with damage to the doors that looked like a bullet hole.

"Yes, I see it all the time. Thieves have a punch and place it right under the door handle, knock a hole through, reach in and unlock it, just as if they have a key. No alarms, broken glass, or anything."

I then placed a call to my insurance agent and explained it to him. I was puzzled that they left my GPS and all other belongings.

Here is where it gets scary !

"Oh no, he said, they want the break-in to be so subtle that you don't even realize it. They look at your GPS to see where "home" is. Or check your address from Insurance and Registration documants in your glove box. Now they know what you drive, go to your home, and if your vehicle isn't there they assume you aren't, and break into your home."

He said they will even leave a purse or wallet and only take one or two credit cards. By the time you realize there has been a theft, they may have already had a couple of days or more to use them. (I didn't realize my situation for two full days!) They even give you the courtesy of re-locking your doors for you.

Periodically, walk around your car, especially after you park in a shopping centre or other large parking area.

Report thefts immediately....your bank w/missing cheque numbers, your credit card agencies, police, and insurance companies, etc.

Below is picture of what the hole looks like.


cid:F7C2521880184687AD4ECC218C067E11@brilock1VAIO
Hole Under Door Lock


One would have to look pretty darn close to notice a hole like that. If the hole was on the passenger side I would never see it.
 
ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW…


~A Cup of Tea ~

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Dad was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mum came home.

My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mum waited, and sure
enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?”
 
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. (It was valid).
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. (The driver owned the car).
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. (Trunk is opened; no body).
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Oh Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!
 
My Wife came home early and caught me having a yank in the kitchen.

Before I could find any guard for this, she rushed over,

and gave me the best blow job of HER life.

In the meantime, I had found some words to guard myself behind, so I said;

"We haven't had sex for 6 months, and then you appear out of nowhere and suddenly do this?

...Why?..

She said

"I only washed the floor this morning, I'd rather clean my teeth, than get the fvkin' mop out again!!"
 
Subject: A Scottish Love Story
Reminds me of another.
Jock and Jean were walking down a road with a high stone dyke on one side.
"Let's jump over and have some fun," Jock suggests.
Jean looks at the dyke.
"I cannae. It's too high."
Jock lifts his kilt.
"Here, stand on this."
"Aye, but how will I get back?"
 
MALE V FEMALE AT THE ATM



A new sign in the Bank reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM’s enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles



Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.



After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.

Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender'

*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:



1... Drive up to the ATM.

2. LOWER your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window..

7. Drive off..

************************* ******

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

(Unfortunately, most of this is the Truth.!!)



1. Drive up to ATM machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN ...

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to ATM machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you..

24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.

27. Release Hand Brake.

Hope I only sent this to the blokes ... OH DEAR !
 
5000 men surveyed were asked "what do you like best about blow jobs?"
1% said they liked the warmth
2% said they like the eroticism
3% said they liked the sensuality

94% said they liked the piece and quiet....
 
5000 men surveyed were asked "what do you like best about blow jobs?"
1% said they liked the warmth
2% said they like the eroticism
3% said they liked the sensuality

94% said they liked the piece and quiet....
 
At a school near you!
Teacher taking the register.

Mustafa Al Shebab--------"Here"
Ahmed El Kabul-----------"Here"
Fatima El Bindri-----------"Here"
Ali Achmaka El Kebab----"Here"
Ali Sun Al en ----------------?
Little girl at the back of the class stands up and says "For **** sake, it's pronounced Alison Allen!
 
David Cameron was looking for a call girl.
He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, I am the Prime Minister of The United Kingdom.
Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'

She replied, "£200".

To the brunette he asked the same question.

Her reply was "£100".

He then asked the redhead

Her reply was:

"Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as the bankers bonuses, my panties as low as the minimum wage, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, keep it rising like my overdraft each month, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you have the country then you can have it for free.".


For Trev
 
think I have posted before, but what the hell.
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was the romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon, the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband text back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
 
Another possible repeat


THE WHALES


A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.
The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realised the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
 
Ed Miliband walks into a bank to cash a cheque.

'Good morning', says Ed, 'would you please cash this cheque for me?'

Cashier: 'It would be my pleasure Sir, but could you please show me some identification?'

Miliband: 'Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. But hang on! I'm Ed Miliband, Leader of the Opposition and of the Labour Party!!!'

Cashier: 'Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers etc, I must insist on seeing some identification'.

Miliband: 'Just ask any of the customers here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!'

Cashier: 'I'm sorry Sir, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them'.

Miliband: 'I am urging you please, to cash this cheque for me'.

Cashier: 'Look Sir, this is what we can do. One day Colin Montgomerie came into the bank without any ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomerie he pulled out his putter and putted a ball along the floor and into a small
cup. With that sort of skill we knew it was Colin Montgomerie and we cashed his cheque. On another occasion, Andy Murray came in without any ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and lobbed a tennis ball straight into my teacup with such a spectacular shot that we all knew it was Andy Murray.'

Ed Miliband stood there thinking and thinking and then finally says, 'To be honest, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing that I'm any good at.'

Cashier: 'Will it be large or small notes you require Mr Miliband?
 
They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dlck', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't plss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
 
A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. "I promised not to tell!" he says. "Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks. "No, and I said I wouldn't tell." "Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No," says the boy. 'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months." Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads."
 
Exercise for the over 60's

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room on each side.



With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.



Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.



Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.



After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.





Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)



After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each bag.
 
Specs, I've got to ask, where do you get these jokes from? My sides are still splitting!
My apologies for the physical torment I am putting you thru, as for my sources they are many and varied, I try to pick out the one's which I think the members will enjoy, unfortunately my choices are not always correct.
But i will persevere.
Fortunately for me the forum has untold amounts of repeated threads, this thread has untold amounts of original humour, this gives the members a place to get away from such things as ' neutrals at switches' 'shed power supplies etc etc.etc
So I and many others donate our humour to hopefully make this place a home away from home for the members an I do believe quite a few visitors
 
Robot Bartender

A guy goes into a bar and there is a robot bartender. The robot says,
"What will you have?" The guy says "Martini." The robot brings back the
best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says,
"168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration
and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The
robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini".
Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says,
"What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk
about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will
try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What
will you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him
another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy
says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "So... you people still happy
you voted for Obama?"
 
A man goes to see a psychiatrist.

the doc says: " what seems to be the problem?"

" I keep thinking I'm a dog" replies the patient.

"OK, just lie on the couch, please" says the shrink.

" I'm not allowed on the couch" replies the patient.
 
Paddy walks into a bar in Dublin , orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.






When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar & ordered three more.






The barman says,"You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it. Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."






Paddy replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America & de odder in Australia & here I am in Dublin ..






When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."






The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.






Paddy becomes a regular customer & always drinks the same way ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn until they are finished.






One day he comes in & orders just two pints.






All the other regulars in the bar notice & fall silent.






When he goes back to the bar for the second round the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."






Paddy looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!






“Tis me............... I've Quit Drinking!”


 
Paddy's fingers

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally

cut off all 10 of his fingers.


He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.


The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.


Paddy said,

'Oi haven't got da fingers.'


'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?

Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2010

We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.

I could have put dem back on and made you like new!

Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'








And Paddy said,

' How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up !!!
 
Melbourne International Airport









Melbourne Tower
: "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R."
Saudi Air : "Thank you Melbourne . Acknowledge cleared to land on
infidel's runway 9R. Allah be Praised."








Melbourne Tower : " Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."
Iran Air
: "Thank you Melbourne . We are cleared to land on infidel's
runway 27L. - Allah is Great."

Pause....
Saudi Air : " MELBOURNE TOWER - MELBOURNE TOWER !"
Melbourne Tower
: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511..."
Saudi Air : "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE
SAME RUNWAY GOING IN

OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE . ... .. ... ... INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"








Melbourne Tower : "Proceed to your destination and tell Allah we said "Hi"
 
Postman Pat's Last Day......

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented him an 18-carat goldwatch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love-making he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cups bottom edge.
'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the five quid for?' 'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you'. 'I asked him what to give you'.
He said, 'F*ck him. Give him a fiver.' She smiled shyly and said, .....'The breakfast was my idea.
 

Reply to A new jokes thread for your amusement. in the Electricians Chat - Off Topic Chat area at ElectriciansForums.net

OFFICIAL SPONSORS

Electrical Goods - Electrical Tools - Brand Names Electrician Courses Green Electrical Goods PCB Way Electrical Goods - Electrical Tools - Brand Names Pushfit Wire Connectors Electric Underfloor Heating Electrician Courses
These Official Forum Sponsors May Provide Discounts to Regular Forum Members - If you would like to sponsor us then CLICK HERE and post a thread with who you are, and we'll send you some stats etc

YOUR Unread Posts

This website was designed, optimised and is hosted by untold.media Operating under the name Untold Media since 2001.
Back
Top
AdBlock Detected

We get it, advertisements are annoying!

Sure, ad-blocking software does a great job at blocking ads, but it also blocks useful features of our website. For the best site experience please disable your AdBlocker.

I've Disabled AdBlock