A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[Mike Johnson]

1 . AVOCADOS
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him,
" Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk ? "
He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman
I'm sure you're going back to read it again !
Men will get it the first time.
2. WATER IN THE CARBURETTOR
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburettor ? That's ridiculous "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburettor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out. - Where's the car?
WIFE: "In the pool".
3. STATISTIC
THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.
4. HE MUST PAY
Husband and wife had a tiff.
Wife called up her mum and said,
"He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mum said,
“No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.”
5. TODAY'S SHORT READING FROM THE BIBLE
From Genesis :
"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."
Then he made the earth round
and He laughed and laughed.

 

[littlespark]

Spot the difference between these two pictures…

 

[123]

 

[littlespark]

Some guy... lets say an electrician... head too far into a life busbar and BOOM... bright flash and a bang....

He wakes up in hospital... dazed and confused.....

Struggling to speak.... "Wee, sleeket, cowran, tim’rous beastie!"

Panicking... he pulls on the nurse call.

"O, what a panic’s in thy breastie!"

The nurses rush in.... He looks at them bewildered.....

"Its alright, sir..... you had an accident. You're in the Burns unit."



Happy Haggis day

 

[Mike Johnson]

"A cyclist is a disaster for the country's economy: they do not buy cars and do not borrow money to buy. They do not pay for insurance policies. They do not buy fuel, do not pay for the necessary maintenance and repairs. They do not use paid parking. They do not cause serious accidents. They do not require multi-lane highways. They do not get fat.
Healthy people are neither needed nor useful for the economy. They don't buy medicine. They do not go to hospitals or doctors. Nothing is added to the country's GDP (gross domestic product).
On the contrary, every new McDonald's restaurant creates at least 30 jobs: 10 cardiologists, 10 dentists, 10 dietary experts and nutritionists, and obviously, people who work at the restaurant itself."
Choose carefully: cyclist or McDonald's? It is worth considering.
P.S. Walking is even worse. Pedestrians don't even buy bicycles.

 

[Mike Johnson]

It Snowed Last Night

8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up.

8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crews from BBC, ITV, CNN and SKY showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women?
I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

By Noon it had all melted

Moral:
There is no moral to this story.
It is exactly what we have become.....all caused by Snowflakes.
God help us!

 

[littlespark]

Next celebrity scandal….

 

[mattybram]

Why didn't the electrician become a comedian?

Because he had a shocking sense of humor.

(yes, I'm a dad with the dad jokes)

 

[Mike Johnson]

1. 
   If a bottle of poison reaches its expiration date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?
3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
4. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
5. The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".
6. Over 100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
7. If people evolved from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?
8. Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?
9. As I've grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but ----ing everyone off is a piece of cake!
10. I'm responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.
11. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.
12. My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously, there's a new strain out there.
13. It's not my age that bothers me - it's the side effects.
14. I'm not saying I'm old and worn out, but I make sure I'm nowhere near the curb on trash day.
15. As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure of one thing: it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
16. As I've gotten older, people think I've become lazy. The truth is I'm just being more energy-efficient.
17. . If you find yourself feeling useless, remember: it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, thousands of lives and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.
18. Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
19. I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas
20. I'm on two simultaneous diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.
21. I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
22. My mind is like an internet browser. At least 18 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
23. Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.
24. My wife says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by now.
25. There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest.

 

[James]

People are often shocked when they find out that I am not a very good electrician.

 

[Mike Johnson]

Latest from the ULTZ:

 

[Moley]

 

[Moley]

 

[Moley]

I've tried looking on Ebay for this but can't find it.

 

[Moley]

 

[littlespark]

High brow scientific joke I heard today….


Why do mathematics professors get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?


Because 31 Oct equals 25 Dec…..





Ask me for an explanation.

 

[nicebutdim]

High brow scientific joke I heard today….


Why do mathematics professors get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?


Because 31 Oct equals 25 Dec…..





Ask me for an explanation.

1F


11111

 

[James]

wow, i get the fundamental idea. however i am 3 beers in and there is no way i am checking your maths with any certainty of being correct.

 

[littlespark]

1F


11111

1F should be 19 and 11111 should be 11001.....





There are 10 types of people in this this world.... Those that know binary, and those that dont.

 

[nicebutdim]

11111 would be 31 in decimal

1F would also be 31?

Yeah, converted both from the wrong decimal.