A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[trev]

Who the bloody hell is Rob? !

Well, I have a real life mate called Rob who is borderline insane. Then there's Specs (also known as )

 

[specs]

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old!"

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist, when I noticed his diploma hanging on the wall. It bore his full name and I suddenly remembered a tall, handsome dark-haired boy with the same name. He had been in my high school class some 40-odd years before and I wondered if he could be the same guy I had a secret crush on way back then?

When I got into the treatment room I quickly discarded any such thought.This balding gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was much too old to have been my secret crush. Or was he? After he examined my teeth, I asked if he had attended Morgan Park High. "Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang!" he said, gleaming with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

"In 1959. Why do you ask?" He answered.

"Well, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

Then that ugly, old, wrinkled son of a bitch asked, "What did you teach?"

 

[specs]

I just phoned the police.
"What's your emergency?" they asked.
I said, "Two women are fighting over me."
"OK, that's not so bad, what's the problem?" said the police officer.
"The angry, fat one is winning." I said.

 

[specs]

Well, I have a real life mate called Rob who is borderline insane. Then there's Specs (also known as )

'Borderline insane'.

 

[specs]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pwghabw4N80

 

[specs]

A husband went to police station for filing a report for his missing wife:

Husband :-I lost my wife, she went shopping and has not returned.

Inspector :-What is her height ?

Husband:- I'm not too sure.

Inspector :-Slim or heavy?

Husband:- Not slim exactly.

Inspector :-Colour of eyes ?

Husband :-Never noticed.

Inspector :-Colour of hair ?

Husband :-Changes according to season.

Inspector :-What was she wearing?

Husband :-Jeans/suit/ I don’t remember exactly.

Inspector :-Was she in a car?

Husband :-yes.

Inspector :-tell me the number, name and colour of the car ?

Husband :-Black Audi A8 with super charged 3.0 litre V6 engine
generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tip tronic
automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED
headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions
and has a very thin scratch on the front left door. My new custom fit
golf clubs, Powacaddy electric trolley are in the boot ….

(and then the husband started crying...)

Inspector:-Don't worry sir,.. . We'll find your car

 

[specs]

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

 

[specs]

On average, British couples have sex two to three times a week, whereas Japanese couples have sex only one to three times a month.

This is upsetting news as I had no idea I was Japanese.

 

[telectrix]

was getting dressed ready to go out for a meal when 'er indoors says " think i'll look good in something long and flowing". " "Yes" I replied . " how about the Mersey?"

 

[specs]

Shouldn't have driven home from the pub last night. Especially as I walked there

 

[specs]

Came home 2am, told the wife I'd been golfing. In the dark? Used my night clubs

 

[specs]

Last night my wife asked me what I was doing on the computer. I replied "Looking for cheap flights" She then said I love you, and made love to me for hours. Strange really. She hasn't shown any interest in darts before.

 

[steve50]

.....

 

[dan86]

"I think David Tennant was the worst doctor of recent times."

"No way, you're wrong."

"Who was then?"

"Definitely Harold Shipman."

 

[dan86]

NOT MEANT TO CAUSE OFFENCE
----------------------------------
Someone mentioned that Rik Mayall had died, so i decided to check for myself.

I spent an hour Googling "Young Ones" and "Bottom", and have been asked to attend my local police station for questioning.

 

[specs]

lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

 

[jaypp]

Got stung by a bee today. £4.50 for a jar of honey!

 

[Guest111]

I was getting it on with this bird and she said "kiss me where it smells" I replied "I'm not going to Widnes at this time of night"

 

[Guest111]

a man walks into the sandwich shop where one of the girls offers hand relief as a sideline,an attractive young lady approaches him,"are you the girl that does the handjobs?" he asks" yes " she replies" well go and wash them I want a ham sandwich."

 

[Guest111]

the wife happened to mention that this year will be our fifteenth wedding anniversary,"ah yes" I replied in a world of my own "if I'd done a murder I'd be getting parole about now"