A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

A man received a text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Bloody autospell! I meant "wifi, not "wife" . . . .

 

[specs]

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had ----- bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

 

[specs]

I have turned my burglar alarm off, deregistered from neighbourhood watch. Raised two ISIS flags and the Pakistani flag as well. Now the Police,MI5 and the FBI watch my house 24/7 for free. I have never felt so safe

 

[specs]

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of

the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a

big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so

Strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and it stopped

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into

the car and closed the door.... Only to realize there was nobody

behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving

slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching

Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before

the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the

window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched

as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,

so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.. Wet

and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about

the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying...

And wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark

and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to

the other...

'Look Paddy....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were

pushing it!'

 

[specs]

Bill, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old tall, tan and terrific babe who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bill's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask “Bill, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?”
Bill replies, “Girlfriend? She's my wife!”
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. “So, how did you persuade her to marry you?”
“I lied about my age”, Bill replies.
“What did you tell her, you were only 50?”
Bill smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”

 

[specs]

A couple are sleeping, and the phone rings, man says If it’s for me I am not home, wife picks up the phone and answers “he is here”, man turn’s to his wife “I told you to say “I am not here” wife replies phone call was for me

 

[specs]

Cinderella for the dyslexic---------Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.

Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards.

One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.

She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve.

"Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella' s door and the sugly isters let him in.

Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart.

"Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince.

"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers.

This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married.

The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny

 

[Besoeker]

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'The other says 'Are you sure?'The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive...'A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.The bartender promptly serves up a beer."How much will that be?" asks the neutron."For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

 

[steve50]

Little Johnny comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch. His best friend, little
Benny, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tells his story: “I was coming from the
bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent’s bedroom. I walked in and
saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn’t tell the
family. I asked for a new watch and here it is.”
Benny decides he wants one too, so night after night he listens outside his parents’ bedroom for any
strange noises and, sure enough, eventually he hears some banging and groaning from the other side of
the door. He walks in and catches his parents in the act, so his dad offers him anything he wants to
keep quiet about the whole affair. Benny immediately says, “I want a watch.”
The dad sighs and says, “Alright, but go and stand in the corner and don’t make any noise.”

 

[steve50]

Two 90-year-olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, “Well, tonight’s the
night we have sex!”
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself: My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I
would have been much more gentle with her!
And the woman was thinking to herself: My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I
would have taken off my panty hose!