A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

 

[specs]

The wasp joke is a classic.

Trev, don't know why, but every time I think about a bloke wanting to buy a bludy wasp in a pet shop I just go into one. it just creases me up, its like something out of monty python ( which I loved). Are wasps like parrots ? Think I just lost the plot, damn you alcohol .

 

[specs]

Scousers take everything seriously. No seriously, they take everything

 

[telectrix]

OI!!!!!!

 

[specs]

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. I’m lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man’s warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that’s pretty crappy," he thought. "If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left --------." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right -------- tied to bedpost."

 

[Besoeker]

Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears.
"We can't see each other anymore..." she sobbed.
"Why?" gasped Declan.
"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of crustacean....and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."

Declan was shattered, and scuttled sideward away into the
darkness and to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.
That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place.
Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the floor...and all could see that he was walking, not sideways but FORWARDS, one claw after another! Step by step he made his
approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King lobster in the eye.

There was a deadly hush..........




Finally, the crab spoke...




"Bagger it., I'm pished."

 

[specs]

OI!!!!!!

Sorry mate, my misses is from L/Pool, celebrated our 43rd wedding anniversary yesterday. Love her to bits, but can't help myself when it comes to the odd comment. Must be my inner self fighting back. Besides which you live on the posh side , so my misses says.Rumour has it that you have inside loo's and leccy meters that you pay every 3 months.

 

[telectrix]

no apology needed, mate. water off a duck's arse.

 

[dan86]

I wonder if in Africa they have 'Lynx England' that smells of cigarettes and disappointment.

 

[Besoeker]

I wonder if in Africa they have 'Lynx England' that smells of cigarettes and disappointment.

Maybe in Libya........?

 

[specs]

A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician did the same tricks each week. However, there was a problem - the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting out the secrets in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat."

"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself, with the parrot, adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and another.

Finally, after a week the parrot said, "OK, I give up. Where the heck is the boat?"

 

[specs]

I gave my wife a nudge in bed.

"Love, are you awake?" I whispered.

"What is it?" she asked.

"Do you remember the other day you said you'd give me a blow job credit if I mowed the lawn, and then I mowed the lawn?"

"****! Yeah, I remember."

"Well I used it in work today, thanks."

 

[steve50]

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her -----.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."

 

[steve50]

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in

 

[steve50]

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young' pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.



Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.



To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.



Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.

 

[specs]

One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

"Father Donovan," the boy asked, "what is this?

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service," the priest explained. They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque.

Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"

 

[specs]

Three mischievous old Grandmas were
sitting on a bench outside the nursing
home when an old Grandpa walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out,
'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'

The old man said, 'There is no way you
can guess my age!

One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure
we can! Just drop your pants and
undershorts and we can tell your
exact age.'

Embarrassed, but anxious
to prove they couldn't do it,
he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn
around a couple of times and then jump
up and down several times. Determined
to prove them wrong, he did it. Then they
all said in unison,'You're 87 years
old!'

Standing with his pants down around
his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in
the world did you guess my age?'

Slapping their knees, high fiving and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily crowed.....

'We were at your birthday party yesterday.

 

[Pete999]

Chemist Shop
A native American walks in dressed in all the gear, headdress, and all,
"Big Chief want's Aspirin" the assistant says they only come in packets, she says, the Indian gets upset gets his tomahawk out and threatens to chop her head off. Oh for Christ's sake give him an Aspirin says the Pharmacist, Geronimo is happy.
Big Chief want's Durex, sorry sir they come in packs of three, same thing happens, jeez give him a French letter.
Geronimo asked for a glass of water, by this time the Pharmacist is peeded off and give him a glass of water, Geronimo opens the Johnny pops in the Aspirin swallows it and is about to leave, when the Pharmacist stops him and asks why he did that, Geronimo answered Big Chief got F----g headache. I know a bit lame but I thought it was funny so there.

 

[Besoeker]

[h=1]Parrots.....

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.[/h]“What do they say ?” the priest inquired.
They say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’
That’s obscene! the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. You know, he said, I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two birds over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Carl and Johan. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time.
Thank you, the woman responded, this may very well be the solution. The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have fun? There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, Put the foocking beads away, Carl, our prayers have been answered!

 

[dan86]

The papers are full of celebrities either killing themselves or being involved in ancient sex offences.

Thank god there are no wars or serious outbreaks of diseases they need to report on