A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[dan86]

So a woman was caught at an airport trying to smuggle three kilo's of cocaine in her bra..

Talk about a drugs bust.

 

[Pete999]

What's the difference between Mark Knopler and Sir Cliff
Mark is in Dire Straights and Sir Cliff is in the S H one tee

 

[dan86]

Technically a mugshot can be considered a cellfie.

 

[Kamikaze]

Great news about Cliff Richard. He won't be singing a Christmas song this year!

 

[trev]

So a woman was caught at an airport trying to smuggle three kilo's of cocaine in her bra..

Talk about a drugs bust.

Vanessa Feltz was caught smuggling drugs. She had 25 pounds of crack in her knickers

 

[Kamikaze]

I heard they had to ground one of B.A.’s 747’s because one of the stewardesses had at least a 4 inch crack in her.

 

[specs]

Two men are fishing in a boat under a bridge and see a funeral procession starting across the bridge. One of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge, and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel and continues fishing.
His friend says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
He responds, "Well, I guess it was the right thing to do -- after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

 

[specs]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool , Ralph suddenly
jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said,
'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.. How soon can I go home?

 

[specs]

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himselfat the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake.

"I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case.

When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108."

 

[specs]

The novel “Fifty Shades of Grey” has seduced women – and baffled blokes.

Now, Fifty Sheds of Grey, offers a treat for the men.

The book's author Colin Grey recounts his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...

Fifty "Sheds" Of Grey

We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall.
But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
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She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
“I'm yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”
So I took her to Bunning’s.
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She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
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Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.
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“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”
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“I'm a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
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“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”
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I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
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“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
“I think so,” I gulped.
“Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.
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“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”
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“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I'm done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge suite on eBay.
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“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up