A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

Are you confused by what is going on in the Middle East?

Let me explain.

We support the Iraqi government in the fight against ISIS. We don’t like ISIS, but ISIS is supported by Saudi Arabia who we do like. We don’t like Assad in Syria. We support the fight against him, but ISIS is also fighting against him. We don’t like Iran, but Iran supports the Iraqi government in its fight against ISIS.
So some of our friends support our enemies, some enemies are now our friends,
and some of our enemies are fighting against our other enemies, who we want to lose, but we don’t want our enemies who are fighting our enemies to win. If the people we want to defeat are defeated, they could be replaced by people we like even less. And all this was started by us invading a country to drive out terrorists who were not actually there until we went in to drive them out.

It's quite simple, do you understand it all now!

Cheers

 

[ian.settle1]

Are you confused by what is going on in the Middle East?

Let me explain.

We support the Iraqi government in the fight against ISIS. We don’t like ISIS, but ISIS is supported by Saudi Arabia who we do like. We don’t like Assad in Syria. We support the fight against him, but ISIS is also fighting against him. We don’t like Iran, but Iran supports the Iraqi government in its fight against ISIS.
So some of our friends support our enemies, some enemies are now our friends,
and some of our enemies are fighting against our other enemies, who we want to lose, but we don’t want our enemies who are fighting our enemies to win. If the people we want to defeat are defeated, they could be replaced by people we like even less. And all this was started by us invading a country to drive out terrorists who were not actually there until we went in to drive them out.

It's quite simple, do you understand it all now!

Cheers

That's not a joke but the truth.

 

[steve50]

London cab driver's answer to a request from a Muslim to turn off the radio. (You just got to love the Brits.)
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, esp ecially Western music which is the music of the i...nfidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.

The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"

The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so **** off and wait for a camel.."

 

[Besoeker]

[h=1]RULES THAT GUYS WISHED WOMEN KNEW[/h]1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. EVER
4. Sometimes, we aren't thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Sunday = Sports
6. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
7. Women wearing Wonder bras and low cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their ----- stared at.
8. You have too many shoes.
9. Crying is blackmail.
10. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work.
11. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.
12. Yes, ****ing standing up is more difficult than peeing from a point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
13. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
14. A headache that lasts 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
15. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
16. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
17. If you don't dress like the Victoria Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
18. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
19. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
20. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
21. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done. Not both.
22. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
23. You have enough clothes and shoes.
24. Nothing says, "I LOVE YOU" like sex

 

[specs]

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin is involved in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your Uncle from Cork came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my Uncle... he's an idiot!"

She asks the doctor,"Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

 

[telectrix]

Blonde BurglaryReturning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

 

[tazz]

Believe it or not....this is a genuine product....lol
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKLnhuzh9uY

 

[Silly Sausage]

What were you looking for to find that! :smilielol5:

 

[tazz]

Was actually on a best business report...lol

 

[Besoeker]

Subject: TEST
>
> TWO TOUGH QUESTIONS:
> Question 1: If you knew a woman who was
> pregnant,
> who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one
> mentally retarded, and she Had syphilis; would you recommend that she
> have an abortion?
> Read the next question before scrolling
> down to the answer of this one.
>
>
>
>
> Question 2: It is time to elect a new
> world leader, and your vote counts.
> Here are the facts about the three leading
> candidates:
> Candidate A:
> Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists.
> He's had
> two mistresses.
> He also chain smokes and drinks
> 8 to 10 martinis a day.
> Candidate B:
> He was kicked out of office
> twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in
> college and
> drinks a quart of whisky every evening.
> Candidate C:
> He is a decorated war hero.
> He's a vegetarian, doesn't
> smoke, drinks an occasional beer and
> hasn't had any extramarital affairs.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Which of these candidates would be your
> choice?
> Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
> Candidate B is Winston Churchill
> Candidate C is Adolph Hitler
> And by the way: Answer to the abortion
> question -- if you said yes, you
> just killed Beethoven.
> Pretty interesting isn't it. Makes a
> person think before judging someone.

 

[specs]

When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.


A boy, about 9, opened the door.





"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.





"No, they went to town."





"How about your brother, David? Is he here?"





"No, he went with Mom and Dad."





The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy say's, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."





"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother David getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".





The boy thought for a moment...then says, "you'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges £500 for the bulls and £150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for David."

 

[steve50]

SEX INSURANCE

Just like you can get insurance for Cars, Property, Sports etc,
you can now get insurance for sex !! So make sure you
get the correct insurance for the sex you are having.



Please find a list of companies below catering for most
tastes:-

Sex with your wife - Legal & General.

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line

Sex with your Partner - Standard Life

Sex with someone Different - Go Compare

Sex with a person of generous proportions - More Than

Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels

Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union

Sex with your maid - Employer's Liability

Sex with an OAP - Saga

Sex resulting in pregnancy - General Accident

And finally


Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com <http://confused.com/>

Make sure you are adequately covered

 

[dan86]

I love my new job as a carpenter on a building site. And the boss is really easy going.
Not like my last boss.
He sacked me for making something just two mil out.
I didn't really want to be a bloody accountant anyway.

 

[specs]

How come, when a couple get divorced, the bloke has to pay his ex-wife a share
of his future earnings but the woman doesn't have to do the bloke's future housework?

 

[specs]

I've just bought a Manchester United away kit..

It's a box of tissues, 24 Prozac and the number for The Samaritans

 

[specs]

There's a new magazine for gay military members.

It's mainly just photos of Privates

 

[specs]

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The wife shivered in front of the camera, after having had a bucket of iced water poured over her head.

"That was awesome," I laughed. "But you didn't nominate anyone."

"Because I was fuccing sleeping, you kunt!" she yelled

 

[Barry White]

Facts of life a true but amusing story!
when I was about 15 my dad said it was about time he told me about the facts of life (my heart dropped being already sexually active lol)
He took me into the front room and said " now listen if its got ---- or an engine leave it alone it will be now't but trouble"

did I listen?

 

[trev]

When our son was about 14 the Mrs said it was about time that I did the whole sex talk thing with him. She was right, I learnt a lot that day

 

[Besoeker]

How come, when a couple get divorced, the bloke has to pay his ex-wife a share
of his future earnings but the woman doesn't have to do the bloke's future housework?

Marriage is grand.
Divorce is a hundred grand.