Just a bit of fun

[Kamikaze]

On this day in 1808 the worlds first speed camera was erected in Pratt's Bottom, Farnborough. The device was invented by local man Arkwright Killjoy. Chief Constable Sterling Grabber was on hand as the first offender was captured. Morris Traveller was delivering urgent medical supplies to the Slurry Bottom Royal infirmary when he passed the speed camera travelling at a reported 8.5 mph. A full 3.5 mph over the national limit. Mr Traveller was cautioned and placed in custody whilst the film was sent off to Boots for processing. Three weeks later the prints returned and were used in evidence at Mr Traveller's trial where he was found guilty. Traveller was fined one pound four shillings and sixpence and banned from driving horses for six months. Chief Constable Grabber was delighted with the outcome and ordered a further six hundred cameras. "The cameras will pay for themselves" he said, "why chase criminals who can't pay fines when there are plenty of wage earning horse owners out there who can". Inventor Arkwright Killjoy was asked what he would do with all the money he had earned from the sale of the cameras. "Well" he said, "I will use some of the money to fund my latest invention. It comprises of a glass straw filled with special crystals connected to a pig's bladder. Blowing through the tube and inflating the bladder alters the colour of the crystals and should be able to detect if someone has been drinking alcohol. I call it a breathalyzer". Unfortunately, Mr Killjoy did not live to complete his invention, as he was found dead with injuries consistent with being stabbed, strangled and trampled by horses. Bob Bruiser, owner of the local tavern "The Bucket of Blood" and part time coroner recorded a verdict of natural causes.

 

[grimysparks80]

Lol. very good. I really like this one. Apologies in advance to any Liverpudlians on the forum.

It has just been revealed that Liverpool were seriously considering bidding for the 2012 Olympic Games. The organizers thought it appropriate to add some local flavour to the events, and had drawn up an itinerary and schedule, a leaked copy of which is reproduced below.
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OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city, wearing the traditional balaclava. The flame will be contained in a large fish and chip van situated on the roof of the Stadium.
............................................
THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic games, Liverpool's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
...............................................
100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. yard gates, hedges, garden fences, walls etc.)

HAMMER THROWING
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use claw, sledge etc.) the winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewelery as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van.
In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or securicor
style wages deliveryman.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.

SWIMMING
Competitors will be thrown into the Mersey River. The first three survivor’s back will decide the medals.

MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be canceled, as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Liverpool.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Liverpool Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized rock throwing, and music by the Kirkby
community choir.
The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping, the central heating boiler and anything else of value.

 

[Kamikaze]

This weekend saw Shrewsbury's biggest ever robbery. Fat Bank safety deposit complex in Money Road was raided and an undisclosed amount of cash believed to be in excess of 2.6 million pounds and other valuables were stolen. Security guard Nicholas Manbasher at his new home in Acapulco, Mexico said, "It’s a complete mystery to me. I was on duty at the time and did not see or hear anything suspicious". At the scene detective chief inspector Nick Speeders said, "We are dealing with a very clever and sophisticated gang. They managed to get in and out without being noticed by the security guard or tripping any of the banks state of the art alarms". He went on to say," No clues were left at the scene. They just appeared out of nowhere, took the money and then seemingly vanished into thin air". The interview was cut short as D.C.I. Nick Speeders was called away to join another fifteen squad cars who were acting on a tip off about a speeding motorist in The Quarry area of the town.

 

[Kamikaze]

Let's face it, it's an easy mistake to make.

 

[Kamikaze]

The Point of View gun conveniently does precisely what its name suggests. That is if you point it at someone and pull the trigger, they instantly see things from your point of view. It was designed by Deep Thought, but commissioned by psychic Crystal Ball, who after countless arguments with her husband Dr. Ivebin Toldhoff was sick to the teeth of ending those arguments with the phrase "You just don't get it, do you?"

 

[Kamikaze]

The ultimate Dog Tease

[video=youtube;nGeKSiCQkPw]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw[/video]

 

[Robinwood]

The ultimate Dog Tease

[video=youtube;nGeKSiCQkPw]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw[/video]

I really enjoyed this video ! Audio totally matched with the expressions !

 

[Kamikaze]

The BBC have just announced that Gaddafi may have slipped in to Jordan. Has that woman no shame? :nono: