A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[steve50]

BIRTH CONTROL FOR GRANDMA
The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new Doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills..
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL Pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in These that that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee...."Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old Granddaughter drinks ...
And believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night.”

 

[steve50]

THE NICE MAN BECAME IMPATIENT
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. “Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”

BIOLOGY EXAM:
This is straight from Scotland. Students in an advanced Biology class were taking theirmid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.
The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck............
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A.

 

[steve50]

A RIDE IN THE TAXI
A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and allthe prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the Truth?They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens tothem?"
"Most of them become taxi drivers!!!" she said.

 

[steve50]

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. "Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?" "Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll." He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll." "Give me the No Name," she says. She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne." "Why?" he asks. "Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!”

 

[steve50]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer. "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.“Where did you get all t...hat money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Not everybody pays

 

[steve50]

POLICE WARNING:
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many f...emales use a date rape drug on the market called ...Beer. The drug is found in liquid form and available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs".
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. A woman
needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as a "relationship". In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewed enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage". Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this beer and the women administering it..... There are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly affected like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

 

[Midwest]

Here's a vid about the exact same thing; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bNSIymy_Goc

 

[steve50]

LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's... farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her ---- are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.

 

[steve50]

I remember about 40 years ago, not long after we had gotten married...
I took my missus to bed and pleasured her, using a very large, thick cucumber....
We had a fantastic night of sex, and after she reached a multiple orgasm we both fell asleep, extremely exhausted....
But a few hours later, I was awoken by my missus screaming,
"Yes, yes, oh God, I'm cumming, I'm cumming......ooooohhhhhh" and the bed was shaking like a scene from The Excorsist.........
I was in a blind panic, as you may well imagine, and shouting at her, "What the hell is going on"?.....
Once she'd recovered; she replied, "Don't worry, it's only the cucumber repeating on me !....

 

[Kamikaze]

I saw a Miss Santa in the high street today selling novelty size mobile phones. She had the biggest pair of Nokias I've ever seen!

 

[hightower]

Just had a call of a recruitment firm. The lassie on the other side of the phone said "Sir, I have two openings you may be interested in". I replied "from the sound of your voice I think you could have three openings I'd be interested in." The line went quiet for a moment, with the silence broken by her shouting "A$$HOLE". I calmly responded "I'd prefer the other two but whatever works for you"

 

[telectrix]

when i were a lad, i could go into town on a saturday morning with a shilling in my pocket. i could get a bottle of coke, a mars bar, a meat pie, and a couple of bags of crisps and still go home with money. sadly, these days, can't do it. not with all these CCTV cameras about.

 

[Barry White]

The welsh invented the condom????

 

[steve50]

..........

 

[hightower]

Yellow. Tester confirmed

 

[Barry White]

Was looking on ebay (dont ask ) and this popped up thought is was a joke so put it here but he has actually sold some.



and for anyone wanting one

USB Hole Warmer for Message/Flashlight Toy Men's ****UK STOCK**** | eBay

 

[davesparks]

Was looking on ebay (dont ask ) and this popped up thought is was a joke so put it here but he has actually sold some.



and for anyone wanting one

USB Hole Warmer for Message/Flashlight Toy Men's ****UK STOCK**** | eBay

Have a look on bigclive's YouTube channel, he's done a video of one he took apart

 

[shanky887614]

Have a look on bigclive's YouTube channel, he's done a video of one he took apart

have you seen his baby-cutor vid?

there is an electrode heater designed for heating baby bath water..... rated at 2.5kw actual power 1kw

 

[telectrix]

guy goes into a sex shopand asks to buy a blow-up doll.

shop owner asks him if he wants a christian doll or a muslim doll

buyer asks "what's the difference?"

reply.......... "the muslim ones blow themseves up".

 

[steve50]

Wireless Extension Cord