A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

A man received a text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Bloody autospell! I meant "wifi, not "wife" . . . .

 

[specs]

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had ----- bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

 

[specs]

I have turned my burglar alarm off, deregistered from neighbourhood watch. Raised two ISIS flags and the Pakistani flag as well. Now the Police,MI5 and the FBI watch my house 24/7 for free. I have never felt so safe

 

[specs]

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of

the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a

big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so

Strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and it stopped

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into

the car and closed the door.... Only to realize there was nobody

behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving

slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching

Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before

the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the

window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched

as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,

so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.. Wet

and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about

the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying...

And wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark

and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to

the other...

'Look Paddy....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were

pushing it!'

 

[specs]

Bill, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old tall, tan and terrific babe who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bill's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask “Bill, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?”
Bill replies, “Girlfriend? She's my wife!”
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. “So, how did you persuade her to marry you?”
“I lied about my age”, Bill replies.
“What did you tell her, you were only 50?”
Bill smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”

 

[specs]

A couple are sleeping, and the phone rings, man says If it’s for me I am not home, wife picks up the phone and answers “he is here”, man turn’s to his wife “I told you to say “I am not here” wife replies phone call was for me

 

[specs]

Cinderella for the dyslexic---------Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.

Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards.

One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.

She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve.

"Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella' s door and the sugly isters let him in.

Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart.

"Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince.

"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers.

This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married.

The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny

 

[Besoeker]

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'The other says 'Are you sure?'The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive...'A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.The bartender promptly serves up a beer."How much will that be?" asks the neutron."For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

 

[steve50]

Little Johnny comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch. His best friend, little
Benny, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tells his story: “I was coming from the
bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent’s bedroom. I walked in and
saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn’t tell the
family. I asked for a new watch and here it is.”
Benny decides he wants one too, so night after night he listens outside his parents’ bedroom for any
strange noises and, sure enough, eventually he hears some banging and groaning from the other side of
the door. He walks in and catches his parents in the act, so his dad offers him anything he wants to
keep quiet about the whole affair. Benny immediately says, “I want a watch.”
The dad sighs and says, “Alright, but go and stand in the corner and don’t make any noise.”

 

[steve50]

Two 90-year-olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, “Well, tonight’s the
night we have sex!”
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself: My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I
would have been much more gentle with her!
And the woman was thinking to herself: My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I
would have taken off my panty hose!

 

[specs]

WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG?









Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government
official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years.

You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."


The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute
and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians
running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver,
Clean Water; women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend
all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough
think he improve system like that."

 

[specs]

On average, an Australian man will have sex two to three times a week, where as a Japanese will have sex only one or two times a year.



This is upsetting news to me, as I had no idea I was Japanese !

 

[specs]

Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he
comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into
the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns
around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he
asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts,
"Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him
back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies,
"No, I haven't found Jesus!" The preacher, shocked at the answer,
dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the
water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, brother?" The drunk answers,
"No, I haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk
again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when
he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

(get ready for this)

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water,
catches his breath, and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?

 

[specs]

This is alarming!



Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!



Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.



Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.



To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 pints of beer within a one (1) hour period.



It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:



1) Argued over nothing.



2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.



3) Gained weight.



4) Talked excessively without making sense.



5) Became overly emotional



6) Couldn't drive.



7) Failed to think rationally, and



8) Had to sit down while urinating.



No further testing was considered necessary!



Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer!



Cheers

 

[specs]

Wise Italian Grandfather



An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. " "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!"?

 

[specs]

The Jewish Elbow



Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?" "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ......... "What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"

 

[specs]

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.









The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries,cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.





Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but finally he returned empty handed.





"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.



"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul. "But a man is sitting on the well!"

 

[specs]

Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going
to get married.
He says, 'Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you
try and guess which one I'm going to marry.' The mother agrees.



The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down
on the couch & they chat for a while. He then says, 'Okay, Mama, guess
which one I'm going to marry?'



Mama says immediately, 'The one on the right. '



'That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know? '



Mama replies: 'I don't like her.'

 

[specs]

Hell explained. (A bit long but stick with it)-----The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

 

[specs]

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a
nursing home. All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had
to put him in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa "How
do you like it here?" asked the grandson

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said
grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place
for you, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents,"
Abdullah said with a big smile.

"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin
in 20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro!

There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench
in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honour!

There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25
years, and everyone still calls him Doctor!

And Me - I haven't had sex for 35 years, and they still call me The
phucking Arab