A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.


Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the food and service was good and the beer was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before

 

[specs]

Replays of the England game has been moved to the Gay Adult TV channel next week as the screening of eleven R-seholes being hammered for 90 minutes is considered too explicit for ITV





At the airport on the way to Rio, Rooney said to Hodgson, "I don't know if I'm best on the left or the right or in the middle". Hodgson replied, "for fvks sake Wayne. Just pick a seat and get on the fvking plane".....





To regain confidence in the England Squad,Roy Hodgson has arranged a friendly against Iceland. Should England win, he will be arranging further friendlies in the future against Asda, Morrisons and Sainsbury's

 

[specs]

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
--Henny Youngman

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
--Ann Bancroft

Any husband who says, "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
--Bill Cosby

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards
--Benjamin Franklin

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
--Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
--Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
--Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
--George Burns

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. --Cindy Garner

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. --Elaine Boosler

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,"There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." --Henny Youngman

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. --Rita Rudner

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. --Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. --Erma Bombeck

 

[tidyboiler]

@Specs................. very good, enjoyed them.

 

[specs]

A drill sergeant was known to be brusque with his men. His lieutenant warned him to try to be more sympathetic:

"I don't want to interfere with your discipline but when there is bad news to relate, please be more diplomatic."

"Yes, *sir!*"

"Now, I have received bad news for one of your men: George Martin. It seems his father has been in a bad traffic accident. Please break the news carefully."

"Yes, *sir!*"

At roll call, the sergeant says: "Fall in everyone. Martin, if you call home today and don't get an answer, it's your dad."

After Martin finds out the truth, he goes crying away to his bunk. The next day, the lieutenant reprimands the drill sergeant once more: "Look, Sarge, this can't continue. If you can't think of a kinder way ....to deal with this kind of news, we'll eliminate this practice from roll call. Now I'm giving you one last chance. Gomez's mother died last ....night You know what to do."

"No problem, lieutenant!"

Roll call: "All right, all you maggots, fall in! All those with living mothers step forward!" And in a quieter tone: "*Not* so fast, Gomez."

 

[specs]

The lawyer says: “I have some good news and bad news”







The CEO replies: “I have had an awful day, let's hear the good news first.”







The lawyer says: “Your wife invested $20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of $2 million”






The CEO replies enthusiastically: “Well done, very good news indeed ! You’ve made my day; now what is the bad news?”





The lawyer answers: “These pictures are of you in bed with your secretary”

 

[Silly Sausage]

What's the difference between a Lentil and a Chic Pea?

I wouldn't pay a £100 to have a lentil sit on my face.

 

[Silly Sausage]

Bernard Manning - The Comedians Series 1 - YouTube



(PC bridgade, don't worry!)

 

[steve50]

decided to go golfing in Scotland with his friend Keith.So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed, 'she explained and 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf..
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from a local solicitor. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
he dropped in on his friend Keith and asked:

'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Keith's face turned beetroot red and he said,

'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, John. I'm afraid I did.'

'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?...

 

[specs]

A man is driving down a deserted country road when he has a blowout.

Not having a spare he finally finds a house and asks the lady if he can use her phone to call for a tow-truck.

As she opens the door for him to come in, a Three Legged Pig runs out.

He asks "why does that Pig only have three legs?"

She says that they had a fire and the pig woke everybody up and then went back and brought the dog out.

He said "but why does the Pig only have three legs?"

She said well another time my son was playing on the ice and it broke and he fell in and the Pig ran to the barn and got a rope and saved him.

Again he asked "why does the Pig only have three legs?"
After all the Pig did for us, it didn't seem right to eat him all at once