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A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.


Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the food and service was good and the beer was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before
 
Replays of the England game has been moved to the Gay Adult TV channel next week as the screening of eleven R-seholes being hammered for 90 minutes is considered too explicit for ITV





At the airport on the way to Rio, Rooney said to Hodgson, "I don't know if I'm best on the left or the right or in the middle". Hodgson replied, "for fvks sake Wayne. Just pick a seat and get on the fvking plane".....





To regain confidence in the England Squad,Roy Hodgson has arranged a friendly against Iceland. Should England win, he will be arranging further friendlies in the future against Asda, Morrisons and Sainsbury's
 
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
--Henny Youngman

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
--Ann Bancroft

Any husband who says, "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
--Bill Cosby

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards
--Benjamin Franklin

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
--Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
--Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
--Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
--George Burns

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. --Cindy Garner

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. --Elaine Boosler

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,"There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." --Henny Youngman

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. --Rita Rudner

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. --Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. --Erma Bombeck
 
A drill sergeant was known to be brusque with his men. His lieutenant warned him to try to be more sympathetic:

"I don't want to interfere with your discipline but when there is bad news to relate, please be more diplomatic."

"Yes, *sir!*"

"Now, I have received bad news for one of your men: George Martin. It seems his father has been in a bad traffic accident. Please break the news carefully."

"Yes, *sir!*"

At roll call, the sergeant says: "Fall in everyone. Martin, if you call home today and don't get an answer, it's your dad."

After Martin finds out the truth, he goes crying away to his bunk. The next day, the lieutenant reprimands the drill sergeant once more: "Look, Sarge, this can't continue. If you can't think of a kinder way ....to deal with this kind of news, we'll eliminate this practice from roll call. Now I'm giving you one last chance. Gomez's mother died last ....night You know what to do."

"No problem, lieutenant!"

Roll call: "All right, all you maggots, fall in! All those with living mothers step forward!" And in a quieter tone: "*Not* so fast, Gomez."
 
The lawyer says: “I have some good news and bad news”







The CEO replies: “I have had an awful day, let's hear the good news first.”







The lawyer says: “Your wife invested $20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of $2 million”






The CEO replies enthusiastically: “Well done, very good news indeed ! You’ve made my day; now what is the bad news?”





The lawyer answers: “These pictures are of you in bed with your secretary”
 
decided to go golfing in Scotland with his friend Keith.So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed, 'she explained and 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf..
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from a local solicitor. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
he dropped in on his friend Keith and asked:

'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Keith's face turned beetroot red and he said,

'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, John. I'm afraid I did.'

'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?...
 
A man is driving down a deserted country road when he has a blowout.

Not having a spare he finally finds a house and asks the lady if he can use her phone to call for a tow-truck.

As she opens the door for him to come in, a Three Legged Pig runs out.

He asks "why does that Pig only have three legs?"

She says that they had a fire and the pig woke everybody up and then went back and brought the dog out.

He said "but why does the Pig only have three legs?"

She said well another time my son was playing on the ice and it broke and he fell in and the Pig ran to the barn and got a rope and saved him.

Again he asked "why does the Pig only have three legs?"
After all the Pig did for us, it didn't seem right to eat him all at once
 
Are you confused by what is going on in the Middle East?

Let me explain.

We support the Iraqi government in the fight against ISIS. We don’t like ISIS, but ISIS is supported by Saudi Arabia who we do like. We don’t like Assad in Syria. We support the fight against him, but ISIS is also fighting against him. We don’t like Iran, but Iran supports the Iraqi government in its fight against ISIS.
So some of our friends support our enemies, some enemies are now our friends,
and some of our enemies are fighting against our other enemies, who we want to lose, but we don’t want our enemies who are fighting our enemies to win. If the people we want to defeat are defeated, they could be replaced by people we like even less. And all this was started by us invading a country to drive out terrorists who were not actually there until we went in to drive them out.

It's quite simple, do you understand it all now!

Cheers
 
specs said:
Are you confused by what is going on in the Middle East?

Let me explain.

We support the Iraqi government in the fight against ISIS. We don’t like ISIS, but ISIS is supported by Saudi Arabia who we do like. We don’t like Assad in Syria. We support the fight against him, but ISIS is also fighting against him. We don’t like Iran, but Iran supports the Iraqi government in its fight against ISIS.
So some of our friends support our enemies, some enemies are now our friends,
and some of our enemies are fighting against our other enemies, who we want to lose, but we don’t want our enemies who are fighting our enemies to win. If the people we want to defeat are defeated, they could be replaced by people we like even less. And all this was started by us invading a country to drive out terrorists who were not actually there until we went in to drive them out.

It's quite simple, do you understand it all now!

Cheers
Click to expand...


That's not a joke but the truth.
 
London cab driver's answer to a request from a Muslim to turn off the radio. (You just got to love the Brits.)
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, esp ecially Western music which is the music of the i...nfidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.

The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"

The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so **** off and wait for a camel.."
 
[h=1]RULES THAT GUYS WISHED WOMEN KNEW[/h]1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. EVER
4. Sometimes, we aren't thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Sunday = Sports
6. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
7. Women wearing Wonder bras and low cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their ----- stared at.
8. You have too many shoes.
9. Crying is blackmail.
10. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work.
11. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.
12. Yes, ****ing standing up is more difficult than peeing from a point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
13. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
14. A headache that lasts 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
15. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
16. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
17. If you don't dress like the Victoria Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
18. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
19. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
20. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
21. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done. Not both.
22. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
23. You have enough clothes and shoes.
24. Nothing says, "I LOVE YOU" like sex
 
A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin is involved in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your Uncle from Cork came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my Uncle... he's an idiot!"

She asks the doctor,"Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."
 
Blonde BurglaryReturning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
 
Subject: TEST
>
> TWO TOUGH QUESTIONS:
> Question 1: If you knew a woman who was
> pregnant,
> who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one
> mentally retarded, and she Had syphilis; would you recommend that she
> have an abortion?
> Read the next question before scrolling
> down to the answer of this one.
>
>
>
>
> Question 2: It is time to elect a new
> world leader, and your vote counts.
> Here are the facts about the three leading
> candidates:
> Candidate A:
> Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists.
> He's had
> two mistresses.
> He also chain smokes and drinks
> 8 to 10 martinis a day.
> Candidate B:
> He was kicked out of office
> twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in
> college and
> drinks a quart of whisky every evening.
> Candidate C:
> He is a decorated war hero.
> He's a vegetarian, doesn't
> smoke, drinks an occasional beer and
> hasn't had any extramarital affairs.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Which of these candidates would be your
> choice?
> Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
> Candidate B is Winston Churchill
> Candidate C is Adolph Hitler
> And by the way: Answer to the abortion
> question -- if you said yes, you
> just killed Beethoven.
> Pretty interesting isn't it. Makes a
> person think before judging someone.
 
When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.


A boy, about 9, opened the door.





"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.





"No, they went to town."





"How about your brother, David? Is he here?"





"No, he went with Mom and Dad."





The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy say's, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."





"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother David getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".





The boy thought for a moment...then says, "you'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges £500 for the bulls and £150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for David."
 
SEX INSURANCE

Just like you can get insurance for Cars, Property, Sports etc,
you can now get insurance for sex !! So make sure you
get the correct insurance for the sex you are having.



Please find a list of companies below catering for most
tastes:-

Sex with your wife - Legal & General.

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line

Sex with your Partner - Standard Life

Sex with someone Different - Go Compare

Sex with a person of generous proportions - More Than

Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels

Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union

Sex with your maid - Employer's Liability

Sex with an OAP - Saga

Sex resulting in pregnancy - General Accident

And finally


Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com <http://confused.com/>

Make sure you are adequately covered
 
I love my new job as a carpenter on a building site. And the boss is really easy going.
Not like my last boss.
He sacked me for making something just two mil out.
I didn't really want to be a bloody accountant anyway.
 
How come, when a couple get divorced, the bloke has to pay his ex-wife a share
of his future earnings but the woman doesn't have to do the bloke's future housework?
 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The wife shivered in front of the camera, after having had a bucket of iced water poured over her head.

"That was awesome," I laughed. "But you didn't nominate anyone."

"Because I was fuccing sleeping, you kunt!" she yelled
 
Facts of life a true but amusing story!
when I was about 15 my dad said it was about time he told me about the facts of life (my heart dropped being already sexually active lol)
He took me into the front room and said " now listen if its got ---- or an engine leave it alone it will be now't but trouble"

did I listen?
 
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband’s libido.
‘What about trying ------?’, asked the doctor.
“Not a chance,” she said. “He won’t even take an aspirin.”
“Not a problem,” replied the doctor. “Give him an ‘Irish ------. It’s when you drop the ------ tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.”
It wasn’t a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, “Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!”
“Really? What happened?” asked the doctor.
“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters, and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!”
“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor. “Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?”
“Twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”
 
A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong.

"Nothing," said the woman.

Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"

"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."

"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."

"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."
 
A man is fishing and he catches a crocodile. The crocodile tells him, "Please let me go! I'll grant you any wish you desire." The man says, "Okay, I wish my penis could touch the ground." The crocodile then bites his legs off.
 
Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I
replied, "Facebook".
 
Manchester United are fast becoming the Katie Price of English football.

They keep needlessly spending a fortune to boost what they've got up front and invariably get shafted at the back.
 
Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with queenly large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer was obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.
Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by both the King and Queen as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.
The King immediately summoned Nick.
The moral of this story is; Pay your bloody bills!
 
Grandpa, what Is couple sex?
Make sure that you understand the question first....
All you Grandpas and Grandmas, this was too funny not to forward.
We are all reaching that stage where we need to keep the wax out of our ears and keep the hearing aids tuned up.
An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him,
"Grandpa, what is a couple sex?
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old
enough to know to ask the question then she's old enough to get a straight answer.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction
and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?
The little girl replied, "Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.
 
According to the Bible Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine.
A country where people are called Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ahmed, Farid, Omar, Youssouf, Mouloud, etc
And he managed to find 12 friends called John, Peter, Paul, Phillip, Mark, Thomas, Luke, Mathew, Andrew and Simon


..... who all drank wine



That's what I call a bloody miracle
 
steve50 said:
According to the Bible Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine.
A country where people are called Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ahmed, Farid, Omar, Youssouf, Mouloud, etc
And he managed to find 12 friends called John, Peter, Paul, Phillip, Mark, Thomas, Luke, Mathew, Andrew and Simon


..... who all drank wine



That's what I call a bloody miracle
Click to expand...
i lol at all these bible bashers.

its contents have been changed that many times over the years no one knows what it used to say without translating from hebrew (i think that one)
 
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