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My girlfriend has just asked me how many women I've shagged.
I said, 'I really dont want to answer that love, you know I've had a past & I don't want to upset you!'
'C'mon' she said, 'I can handle it!'
So I had to sit there and count them all.
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, you, 10, 11, 12
 
I was sitting watching Match of the Day when the Mrs came into the lounge and says "Fancy a shag Babe?"
I said, "After the football love"
She said, "You do realise that you can record it?"
I said, "Nice, you get the camcorder, I'll come upstairs when the footy finishes".
 
My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting ready to go out when finally the door swung open and she said, "Honestly , do I look fat in this".
I replied, "Yes love, but to be fair, it's only a small bathroom"...
 
A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots.
She downs the first one
"This is for the shame", and then the second one
"This is for the glory."

She then orders two more shots.
She drinks the first one "This is for the shame" and then the second one "This is for the glory."

She is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops her.

"Ma'am, I was just wondering ... what's this about shame and glory?"

"Well," she replies, "I like to do my housework naked. But when I bent over to pick something up, my Great Dane mounted me from behind."

"That must be the shame," the bartender said.

"No, that was the glory. The shame is when we got locked together and he dragged me around the front yard for thirty minutes.
 
A man walks into his doctors. The doctor asks the man why he is there.

He replies, "It's my penis, I would like you to take a look at it."

The doctor says, "Very well then, if you get up onto the bed and get it out I'll have a look for you."
The man jumps up onto the bed and produces a 12-incher from his underpants. After about five minutes examining it, the bemused doctor says, "I have to say, I can't see anything wrong with it." To which the man replies, "I know, it's a beauty innit.
 
Gatwick Airport announces £256m plan to build a second runway

Seems a waste of money as most planes don't tend to use them any more...
 
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow." "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
 
A young lad asks his mum where his new Liverpool top is.

"I washed it and it's drying on the line."

The young lad rushes to the window to see his beloved Liverpool top lying in the mud.

"Mum, why is my Liverpool top in the mud?"

His mum looks out of the window and shouts, "The thieving gits have nicked the pegs again!"
 
Bloke walks into a pet shop and says " I would like to buy a' wasp' ". Shopkeeper says " sorry sir we don't sell 'wasps' ". Bloke says ( in surprised voice ) " but you have two in your window ".
 
A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION...
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was upset.
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children, I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute my love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began --
'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed, and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help, that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
 
A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes.

"I would like an ice-cold Coke right now." He gets his Coke and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible."

Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I'd never have to work again." Instantly, he was back in his government office
 
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.""

My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.""

My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings,
and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such
a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the a$$hole had a paper round!"
 
I was gonna put my 'wasp' joke in the pet's thread. don't know why 'but every time I think about a bloke wanting to buy a 'wasp 'in a pet shop just cracks me up. ok folks I'm gone. I'm not gonna post again until I get over this one,might take some time tho
 
specs said:
I was gonna put my 'wasp' joke in the pet's thread. don't know why 'but every time I think about a bloke wanting to buy a 'wasp 'in a pet shop just cracks me up. ok folks I'm gone. I'm not gonna post again until I get over this one,might take some time tho
Click to expand...

Well I for one loved the wasp joke! Reminded me of the 'got stung by a bee' one.
 
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"

"Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked quite aghast, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my own wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the damn gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the mother facker to death with the chair!"
 
Tulisa has revealed that she tried to commit suicide by taking a cocktail of vodka and painkillers.

It didn't work as she barely put them in her mouth and definitely didn't swallow them.
 
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'------------------------------------------------------------ Not yet over the wasp joke, hence this
 
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!
 
trev said:
The wasp joke is a classic.
Click to expand...

Trev, don't know why, but every time I think about a bloke wanting to buy a bludy wasp in a pet shop I just go into one. it just creases me up, its like something out of monty python ( which I loved). Are wasps like parrots ? Think I just lost the plot, damn you alcohol .
 
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A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. I’m lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man’s warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that’s pretty crappy," he thought. "If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left --------." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right -------- tied to bedpost."
 
Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears.
"We can't see each other anymore..." she sobbed.
"Why?" gasped Declan.
"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of crustacean....and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."

Declan was shattered, and scuttled sideward away into the
darkness and to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.
That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place.
Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the floor...and all could see that he was walking, not sideways but FORWARDS, one claw after another! Step by step he made his
approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King lobster in the eye.

There was a deadly hush..........




Finally, the crab spoke...




"Bagger it., I'm pished."
 
telectrix said:
OI!!!!!!
Click to expand...
Sorry mate, my misses is from L/Pool, celebrated our 43rd wedding anniversary yesterday. Love her to bits, but can't help myself when it comes to the odd comment. Must be my inner self fighting back. Besides which you live on the posh side , so my misses says.Rumour has it that you have inside loo's and leccy meters that you pay every 3 months.
 
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A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician did the same tricks each week. However, there was a problem - the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting out the secrets in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat."

"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself, with the parrot, adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and another.

Finally, after a week the parrot said, "OK, I give up. Where the heck is the boat?"
 
I gave my wife a nudge in bed.

"Love, are you awake?" I whispered.

"What is it?" she asked.

"Do you remember the other day you said you'd give me a blow job credit if I mowed the lawn, and then I mowed the lawn?"

"****! Yeah, I remember."

"Well I used it in work today, thanks."
 
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her -----.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
 
Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young' pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.



Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.



To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.



Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.
 
One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

"Father Donovan," the boy asked, "what is this?

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service," the priest explained. They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque.

Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"
 
Three mischievous old Grandmas were
sitting on a bench outside the nursing
home when an old Grandpa walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out,
'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'

The old man said, 'There is no way you
can guess my age!

One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure
we can! Just drop your pants and
undershorts and we can tell your
exact age.'

Embarrassed, but anxious
to prove they couldn't do it,
he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn
around a couple of times and then jump
up and down several times. Determined
to prove them wrong, he did it. Then they
all said in unison,'You're 87 years
old!'

Standing with his pants down around
his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in
the world did you guess my age?'

Slapping their knees, high fiving and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily crowed.....

'We were at your birthday party yesterday.
 
Chemist Shop
A native American walks in dressed in all the gear, headdress, and all,
"Big Chief want's Aspirin" the assistant says they only come in packets, she says, the Indian gets upset gets his tomahawk out and threatens to chop her head off. Oh for Christ's sake give him an Aspirin says the Pharmacist, Geronimo is happy.
Big Chief want's Durex, sorry sir they come in packs of three, same thing happens, jeez give him a French letter.
Geronimo asked for a glass of water, by this time the Pharmacist is peeded off and give him a glass of water, Geronimo opens the Johnny pops in the Aspirin swallows it and is about to leave, when the Pharmacist stops him and asks why he did that, Geronimo answered Big Chief got F----g headache. I know a bit lame but I thought it was funny so there.
 
[h=1]Parrots.....

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.[/h]“What do they say ?” the priest inquired.
They say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’
That’s obscene! the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. You know, he said, I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two birds over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Carl and Johan. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time.
Thank you, the woman responded, this may very well be the solution. The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have fun? There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, Put the foocking beads away, Carl, our prayers have been answered!
 
The papers are full of celebrities either killing themselves or being involved in ancient sex offences.

Thank god there are no wars or serious outbreaks of diseases they need to report on
 
What's the difference between Mark Knopler and Sir Cliff
Mark is in Dire Straights and Sir Cliff is in the S H one tee
 
I heard they had to ground one of B.A.’s 747’s because one of the stewardesses had at least a 4 inch crack in her.
 
Two men are fishing in a boat under a bridge and see a funeral procession starting across the bridge. One of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge, and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel and continues fishing.
His friend says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
He responds, "Well, I guess it was the right thing to do -- after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
 
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool , Ralph suddenly
jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said,
'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.. How soon can I go home?
 
A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himselfat the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake.

"I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case.

When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108."
 
The novel “Fifty Shades of Grey” has seduced women – and baffled blokes.

Now, Fifty Sheds of Grey, offers a treat for the men.

The book's author Colin Grey recounts his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...

Fifty "Sheds" Of Grey

We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall.
But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
“I'm yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”
So I took her to Bunning’s.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“I'm a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
“I think so,” I gulped.
“Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I'm done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge suite on eBay.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up
 
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