A new jokes thread for your amusement.

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Just a couple of things I spotted on FB and would like to share. The first is just great:

"Here's all you need to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid."


Has anyone seen the post of a bloke who humped a Greggs pasty and got his bits burnt?
 
There was a young lady from hitchin,
she was scratching her thing in the kitching
her mother said Rose crabs I suppose
Ah b$$$$$cks get on with your knitting
 
ain't it amazing what a suitcase full of readies can achieve.
 

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.
 
Saddam Hussien caught 3 Soldiers in the dessert, A Guardsmen a Paratrooper & a Royal Engineer. He lined the 4 soldiers up in front of a mine field & said "whoever can get through the minefield will be set free"

The Guardsmen immediately asked for a bayonet & started to dig & crawl.....20 metres later BOOM the Guardsmen was blown up.
The Paratrooper asked for a long stick & was given a broom handle so he started to probe & move through the mine field.....50 metres later & BOOM the Paratrooper was blown up.
The Royal Engineer asked for 1 Mattress, 1 Pig & 2 rolls of Gaffa Tape.

The Engineer slashed open the mattress took out the springs & gaffa taped them to the legs of the Pig, jumped on the back of the Pig & bounced his away across the entire mine field & escaped.

Saddam & his troops chased the Engineer & caught up to him, the Engineer screamed "you said if I made it I could go free" Saddam said "you are free, I just need to know how you did it" the Engineer looked at Saddam & said "I call it four sprung pork technique"
 
A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies.

"Tch Tch!" said the passer-by to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help."

So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishin', sir."

"Fishin', eh? Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"
 
A fire fighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fire fighter's helmet.​

​

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.​

​

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the fire fighter said with admiration.​

​

'Thanks,' the girl replied.​

​

The fire fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.​

​

'Little partner,' the fire fighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '​

​

The little girl, after giving it some thought, replied , 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.
​
 
An elderly lady took her Budgie that had fainted to a vet , The vet looked at it and said Its passed away , the lady asked if she could have a second opinion , The vet bought in a cat and the cat sniffed the budgie and shook its head , The vet then went out and brought in a labrador , again he sniffed the budgie and shook his head , The lady was now convinced the budgie has passed away , The vet then gave the lady the bill , and immediately the lady voiced her opinion at the high cost , The vet then explained the charges "what with the cat scan and the lab report the charges are high"..
 
Years ago the saying "Jimmy Saville covered in custard" was just a way of not being premature on your ""enjoyment"".

These days its a law suit!!!
 
There's an annual contest at Bond University, Australia calling for the
most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's chosen term
was "political correctness".

The winning student wrote:

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical
minority, and promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the
proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shlt by the
clean end."

Perhaps the most truthful words ever spoken
 
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt.

Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing.

She simply had to know...

She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked,

"Will I be acquitted?"






For some reason, wives tend to like this joke........
 
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"
 
A guy went for an interview for the position of a Computer Hacking Investigator.

INTERVIEWER: so what makes you suitable for this job?

GUY: I hacked into your computer and invited myself for this interview
 
A college student writes to his parents:

Dear Mom and Dad,

I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy. I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.

Your son,
Marvin.

P.S. I felt so terrible, I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed that I could get it back, but it was too late."


A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said:

"Your prayers were answered. Your letter never arrived!"
 
I was in a art gallery today and I was shocked when I looked at a painting by Picasso which had a woman sat on a chair next to a table which had deformed legs.
I had no idea Ikea had been around so long
 
I see the U.S. will provide financial aid to Ukraine if the leaders confront corruption.
Because if anything stops corruption, it's bribing someone to stop corruption.
 
I've just been fired from my job as a Samaritan. A guy called in yesterday and said to me "I'm depressed and currently laying on the railway track waiting for the train to come."

Apparently "Remain calm and stay on the line." was the wrong response.



I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; it was riveting.





I rang a suppository users helpline and they were very rude to me.



I was at the gym yesterday and I found a hole in one of my trainers big enough to put my finger in.
Apparently she objected, so I'm banned now!
 
This little boy goes up to his dad and he says "Dad?, What's the difference between Potentially and Realistically?" To which the father replies "Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then you ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then you ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars." So the boy goes up to his mom and asks her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars and the mother replies "Oh my god, of course I would, he is so good looking!" So the boy moves on and asks his sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and she replies "He is so ****ing fine, of course I would!" Then last but no least he goes up to his brother and asks him if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars, his brother says "Of course I would, who wouldn't for a million bucks?" So he goes up to his dad and says "I think I learned the difference between potentially and realistically" "Well what's the difference?" says the father. "Well, potentially we're sitting on 3 million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 ----- and a smoke!"
 
Frozen Crabs





























A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.


Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.


Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.





Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think
 
A fat bird came smiling up to me in a nightclub, put her hand on my groin and said, "Have a guess what I want in my mouth tonight?"

"I...I...I don't know?" I stuttered.

"I'll give you a clue," she laughed, "It has four letters and begins with 'C'"

"Oh, that's easy," I said, looking her up and down, "Cake."
 
e7udypan.jpg
 
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