A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

5000 men surveyed were asked "what do you like best about blow jobs?"
1% said they liked the warmth
2% said they like the eroticism
3% said they liked the sensuality

94% said they liked the piece and quiet....

 

[specs]

5000 men surveyed were asked "what do you like best about blow jobs?"
1% said they liked the warmth
2% said they like the eroticism
3% said they liked the sensuality

94% said they liked the piece and quiet....

 

[ian.settle1]

At a school near you!
Teacher taking the register.

Mustafa Al Shebab--------"Here"
Ahmed El Kabul-----------"Here"
Fatima El Bindri-----------"Here"
Ali Achmaka El Kebab----"Here"
Ali Sun Al en ----------------?
Little girl at the back of the class stands up and says "For **** sake, it's pronounced Alison Allen!

 

[specs]

David Cameron was looking for a call girl.
He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, I am the Prime Minister of The United Kingdom.
Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'

She replied, "£200".

To the brunette he asked the same question.

Her reply was "£100".

He then asked the redhead

Her reply was:

"Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as the bankers bonuses, my panties as low as the minimum wage, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, keep it rising like my overdraft each month, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you have the country then you can have it for free.".


For Trev

 

[specs]

think I have posted before, but what the hell.
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was the romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon, the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband text back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

 

[specs]

Another possible repeat


THE WHALES


A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.
The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realised the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

 

[specs]

Ed Miliband walks into a bank to cash a cheque.

'Good morning', says Ed, 'would you please cash this cheque for me?'

Cashier: 'It would be my pleasure Sir, but could you please show me some identification?'

Miliband: 'Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. But hang on! I'm Ed Miliband, Leader of the Opposition and of the Labour Party!!!'

Cashier: 'Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers etc, I must insist on seeing some identification'.

Miliband: 'Just ask any of the customers here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!'

Cashier: 'I'm sorry Sir, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them'.

Miliband: 'I am urging you please, to cash this cheque for me'.

Cashier: 'Look Sir, this is what we can do. One day Colin Montgomerie came into the bank without any ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomerie he pulled out his putter and putted a ball along the floor and into a small
cup. With that sort of skill we knew it was Colin Montgomerie and we cashed his cheque. On another occasion, Andy Murray came in without any ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and lobbed a tennis ball straight into my teacup with such a spectacular shot that we all knew it was Andy Murray.'

Ed Miliband stood there thinking and thinking and then finally says, 'To be honest, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing that I'm any good at.'

Cashier: 'Will it be large or small notes you require Mr Miliband?

 

[specs]

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dlck', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't plss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Deleted member 72666]

Specs, I've got to ask, where do you get these jokes from? My sides are still splitting!

 

[telectrix]

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

 

[telectrix]

A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. "I promised not to tell!" he says. "Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks. "No, and I said I wouldn't tell." "Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No," says the boy. 'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months." Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads."

 

[specs]

cancelled

 

[specs]

Exercise for the over 60's

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room on each side.



With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.



Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.



Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.



After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.





Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)



After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each bag.

 

[specs]

Specs, I've got to ask, where do you get these jokes from? My sides are still splitting!

My apologies for the physical torment I am putting you thru, as for my sources they are many and varied, I try to pick out the one's which I think the members will enjoy, unfortunately my choices are not always correct.
But i will persevere.
Fortunately for me the forum has untold amounts of repeated threads, this thread has untold amounts of original humour, this gives the members a place to get away from such things as ' neutrals at switches' 'shed power supplies etc etc.etc
So I and many others donate our humour to hopefully make this place a home away from home for the members an I do believe quite a few visitors

 

[norcal]

Robot Bartender

A guy goes into a bar and there is a robot bartender. The robot says,
"What will you have?" The guy says "Martini." The robot brings back the
best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says,
"168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration
and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The
robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini".
Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says,
"What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk
about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will
try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What
will you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him
another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy
says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "So... you people still happy
you voted for Obama?"

 

[telectrix]

A man goes to see a psychiatrist.

the doc says: " what seems to be the problem?"

" I keep thinking I'm a dog" replies the patient.

"OK, just lie on the couch, please" says the shrink.

" I'm not allowed on the couch" replies the patient.

 

[steve50]

Paddy walks into a bar in Dublin , orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.






When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar & ordered three more.






The barman says,"You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it. Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."






Paddy replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America & de odder in Australia & here I am in Dublin ..






When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."






The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.






Paddy becomes a regular customer & always drinks the same way ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn until they are finished.






One day he comes in & orders just two pints.






All the other regulars in the bar notice & fall silent.






When he goes back to the bar for the second round the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."






Paddy looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!






“Tis me............... I've Quit Drinking!”

 

[steve50]

Paddy's fingers

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally

cut off all 10 of his fingers.


He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.


The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.


Paddy said,

'Oi haven't got da fingers.'


'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?

Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2010

We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.

I could have put dem back on and made you like new!

Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'








And Paddy said,

' How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up !!!

 

[steve50]

Melbourne International Airport

​

Melbourne Tower : "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R."
Saudi Air : "Thank you Melbourne . Acknowledge cleared to land on
infidel's runway 9R. Allah be Praised."








Melbourne Tower : " Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."
Iran Air : "Thank you Melbourne . We are cleared to land on infidel's
runway 27L. - Allah is Great."

Pause....
Saudi Air : " MELBOURNE TOWER - MELBOURNE TOWER !"
Melbourne Tower : "Go ahead Saudi Air 511..."
Saudi Air : "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE
SAME RUNWAY GOING IN

OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE . ... .. ... ... INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"








Melbourne Tower : "Proceed to your destination and tell Allah we said "Hi"

 

[Engineer54]

Postman Pat's Last Day......

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented him an 18-carat goldwatch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love-making he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cups bottom edge.
'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the five quid for?' 'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you'. 'I asked him what to give you'.
He said, 'F*ck him. Give him a fiver.' She smiled shyly and said, .....'The breakfast was my idea.