- Reaction score
- 3,129
Tantric sex, plumber's position
That's when you stay in all day, but nobody comes!!
That's when you stay in all day, but nobody comes!!
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Knock knock
(Who's there?)
ASLEF
(ASLEF who)
ASLEF de train in de siding.
I is on strike!!
(Who's there?)
ASLEF
(ASLEF who)
ASLEF de train in de siding.
I is on strike!!
OP
Barry White
Sorry more nuns jokes.
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat, And one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.""Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hot Dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk towards the hot dog cart. "Two dogs, please!," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush, and then, after staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and in a soft brogue whispers:"What part did you get?"
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat, And one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.""Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hot Dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk towards the hot dog cart. "Two dogs, please!," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush, and then, after staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and in a soft brogue whispers:"What part did you get?"
OP
Barry White
How to wash a cat.
1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.
2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.
3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid.
4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will generate plenty of foam. Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying himself.
5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the “Power-wash” pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle.
6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door.
7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly. The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed he will be moving from the toilet to the front door.
8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean.
With best wishes,
THE DOG
PS Notice to plumbers and kitchen fitters DO NOT TRY THIS ITS A JOKE!
1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.
2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.
3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid.
4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will generate plenty of foam. Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying himself.
5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the “Power-wash” pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle.
6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door.
7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly. The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed he will be moving from the toilet to the front door.
8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean.
With best wishes,
THE DOG
PS Notice to plumbers and kitchen fitters DO NOT TRY THIS ITS A JOKE!
OP
Barry White
After hours of thinking I’ve finally decided on my new years resolution its.
1920 x 1080
1920 x 1080
- Reaction score
- 65
A lawyer and an electrician are sitting next to each other on a long
flight.
The lawyer is thinking that electricians are so dumb that he could get one over
on them easily.
So, the lawyer asks if the electrician would like to play a fun game.
The electrician is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines
and tries to catch a few winks
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun..."I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5.00. Then you
ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500.00," he
says.
This catches the electrician's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he
agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to
the Moon?"
The electrician doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a
five pound note , and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the electrician's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with
three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After
an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the electrician up and hands him £500.00. The electrician pockets the £500.00
and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the electrician up and
asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with
four?"
The electrician reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer £5.00, and goes back
to sleep.
Don't mess with tired electricians!
flight.
The lawyer is thinking that electricians are so dumb that he could get one over
on them easily.
So, the lawyer asks if the electrician would like to play a fun game.
The electrician is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines
and tries to catch a few winks
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun..."I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5.00. Then you
ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500.00," he
says.
This catches the electrician's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he
agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to
the Moon?"
The electrician doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a
five pound note , and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the electrician's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with
three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After
an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the electrician up and hands him £500.00. The electrician pockets the £500.00
and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the electrician up and
asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with
four?"
The electrician reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer £5.00, and goes back
to sleep.
Don't mess with tired electricians!
OP
Barry White
I keep forgetting my passwords so I have come up with a brilliant idea I have changed my password to incorrect and if I forget it reminds me saying your password is incorrect
I know go get your coat
I know go get your coat
OP
hightower
I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread before, but when I looked again I saw it said 'thick cut'
- Reaction score
- 67,272
Extreme Sign Language
Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can’t see each other signing, or read lips.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes a note to her husband: ‘Honey, Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times. The husband thinks this is a great idea.
He writes back to his wife that if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on his penis one hundred and fifty times.
Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can’t see each other signing, or read lips.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes a note to her husband: ‘Honey, Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times. The husband thinks this is a great idea.
He writes back to his wife that if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on his penis one hundred and fifty times.
- Reaction score
- 67,272
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
‘Grumpy, my son,’ says the Pope, ‘What can I do for you?’
Grumpy asks, ‘Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?’
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, ‘No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.’
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, ‘Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?’
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, ‘No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, ‘Mr Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?’
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, ‘I’m sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.’
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting……
‘Grumpy shagged a penguin!’
‘Grumpy shagged a penguin!’
Grumpy leads the pack.
‘Grumpy, my son,’ says the Pope, ‘What can I do for you?’
Grumpy asks, ‘Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?’
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, ‘No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.’
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, ‘Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?’
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, ‘No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, ‘Mr Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?’
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, ‘I’m sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.’
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting……
‘Grumpy shagged a penguin!’
‘Grumpy shagged a penguin!’
- Reaction score
- 17,092
The old ones are the best
- Reaction score
- 259
A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog - "Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS."
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in, I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals.
I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying -------. He's never been out of the garden"
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog - "Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS."
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in, I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals.
I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying -------. He's never been out of the garden"
OP
R G
Electricians have to strip to make ends meet.....
- Reaction score
- 6,530
Another Classic ...
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Reply to A new jokes thread for your amusement. in the Electricians Chat - Off Topic Chat area at ElectriciansForums.net
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