A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

My Wife asked me to go to the Doctors about my Erection problem.
She wasn't pleased when I came back and gave her some Slimming Pills

 

[specs]

My girlfriend has just asked me how many women I've shagged.
I said, 'I really dont want to answer that love, you know I've had a past & I don't want to upset you!'
'C'mon' she said, 'I can handle it!'
So I had to sit there and count them all.
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, you, 10, 11, 12

 

[specs]

I was sitting watching Match of the Day when the Mrs came into the lounge and says "Fancy a shag Babe?"
I said, "After the football love"
She said, "You do realise that you can record it?"
I said, "Nice, you get the camcorder, I'll come upstairs when the footy finishes".

 

[specs]

My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting ready to go out when finally the door swung open and she said, "Honestly , do I look fat in this".
I replied, "Yes love, but to be fair, it's only a small bathroom"...

 

[specs]

A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots.
She downs the first one
"This is for the shame", and then the second one
"This is for the glory."

She then orders two more shots.
She drinks the first one "This is for the shame" and then the second one "This is for the glory."

She is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops her.

"Ma'am, I was just wondering ... what's this about shame and glory?"

"Well," she replies, "I like to do my housework naked. But when I bent over to pick something up, my Great Dane mounted me from behind."

"That must be the shame," the bartender said.

"No, that was the glory. The shame is when we got locked together and he dragged me around the front yard for thirty minutes.

 

[specs]

A man walks into his doctors. The doctor asks the man why he is there.

He replies, "It's my penis, I would like you to take a look at it."

The doctor says, "Very well then, if you get up onto the bed and get it out I'll have a look for you."
The man jumps up onto the bed and produces a 12-incher from his underpants. After about five minutes examining it, the bemused doctor says, "I have to say, I can't see anything wrong with it." To which the man replies, "I know, it's a beauty innit.

 

[dan86]

Gatwick Airport announces £256m plan to build a second runway

Seems a waste of money as most planes don't tend to use them any more...

 

[Silly Sausage]

Word definitions...

Expert - A woman with saggy breasts.

 

[Besoeker]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow." "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

 

[specs]

A young lad asks his mum where his new Liverpool top is.

"I washed it and it's drying on the line."

The young lad rushes to the window to see his beloved Liverpool top lying in the mud.

"Mum, why is my Liverpool top in the mud?"

His mum looks out of the window and shouts, "The thieving gits have nicked the pegs again!"

 

[specs]

Bloke walks into a pet shop and says " I would like to buy a' wasp' ". Shopkeeper says " sorry sir we don't sell 'wasps' ". Bloke says ( in surprised voice ) " but you have two in your window ".

 

[specs]

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION...
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was upset.
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children, I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute my love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began --
'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed, and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help, that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

 

[specs]

A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes.

"I would like an ice-cold Coke right now." He gets his Coke and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible."

Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I'd never have to work again." Instantly, he was back in his government office

 

[specs]

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.""

My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.""

My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings,
and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such
a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the a$$hole had a paper round!"

 

[specs]

I was gonna put my 'wasp' joke in the pet's thread. don't know why 'but every time I think about a bloke wanting to buy a 'wasp 'in a pet shop just cracks me up. ok folks I'm gone. I'm not gonna post again until I get over this one,might take some time tho

 

[jaypp]

I was gonna put my 'wasp' joke in the pet's thread. don't know why 'but every time I think about a bloke wanting to buy a 'wasp 'in a pet shop just cracks me up. ok folks I'm gone. I'm not gonna post again until I get over this one,might take some time tho

Well I for one loved the wasp joke! Reminded me of the 'got stung by a bee' one.

 

[Besoeker]

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"

"Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked quite aghast, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my own wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the damn gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the mother facker to death with the chair!"

 

[dan86]

Tulisa has revealed that she tried to commit suicide by taking a cocktail of vodka and painkillers.

It didn't work as she barely put them in her mouth and definitely didn't swallow them.

 

[specs]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'------------------------------------------------------------ Not yet over the wasp joke, hence this

 

[trev]

The wasp joke is a classic.