A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[telectrix]

made myself a kit car. it's a Ford Pubic.

made it out of old Corsairs.

 

[ruston]

Only people around my age will get that one lol.

 

[telectrix]

for educate the younger members:

 

[Pete999]

for educate the younger members:

View attachment 38852

I had one back in 1974

 

[ruston]

 

[telectrix]

back then i had a Mk1 cortina.

 

[ruston]

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.

 

[Pete999]

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.

Every 6 months? speak for yourself ruston.

 

[Wilko]

Another Dad joke ("Daaad, that's a terrrrable joke ...")
Why did the rabbit try to eat the road?
He thought it was a dual cabbage way

 

[ruston]

Lol, those days are long gone.

 

[Pete999]

Lol, those days are long gone.

Still think about it then reality sets in, along with everything else that come with old age.

 

[ruston]

Still think about it then reality sets in, along with everything else that come with old age.

No positive answer to that as we both know .

 

[Pete999]

No positive answer to that as we both know .

How right you are Mate.

 

[telectrix]

what's old age?

 

[Pete999]

what's old age?

I'll take your advice Tel, it's only a number

 

[Midwest]

what's old age?

Its that point in you life, when you start to voice strange aching noises, when you bend down to pick something up, that has no benefit to actually aid picking up the item.

Does your dog bite;

 

[telectrix]

ah, the old "does your dog bite" ploy.

another favorite of mine is the Sellers fart in the lift with the bad guys.

 

[Leesparkykent]

iOS Video - https://sendvid.com/dayfvs6l

Made me chuckle

 

[Midwest]

iOS Video - https://sendvid.com/dayfvs6l

Made me chuckle

She did seem somewhat impressed about his attributes!

 

[Wilko]

Letting the days go by ... Trump doing Talking Heads ... apologies, I know a laugh at Donald's expense is like taking candy from a baby, but who can resist?

 

[Pete999]

Letting the days go by ... Trump doing Talking Heads ... apologies, I know a laugh at Donald's expense is like taking candy from a baby, but who can resist?

He is the biggest joke around today though

 

[telectrix]

first one for the new year then........

you remember the tale of the little Dutch boy who stuck his finger into the hole in the dyke?

well, he's just been arrested for historic sexual abuse.

 

[steve50]

 

[Wilko]

He is the biggest joke around today though

Here's the next one ... penned by a mate from Oz

 

[norcal]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.'

'My darling,' he replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.



In 2031, President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven...

"And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter. "It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader of the Free World."

"Oh...Mr....... President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter. "I'd like to come in," replies Clinton.

"Sure," says the Saint. "But first, you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?"

Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you can't call it 'dope-smoking' because I didn't inhale. There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can't call it 'adultery' because I didn't have full 'sexual relations.' And I made some statements that were misleading, but legally accurate, but you can't call it 'bearing false witness' because, as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard of perjury."

With that, St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And when you enter, you don't have to abandon all hope, just hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

 

[pirate]

I got up this morning and found a note stuck on the fridge. It was from the wife ...
"It's not working, I can't take it any more, I'm leaving you..."

I opened the fridge, light came on, beer nice and cool... Don't know what she's talking about?

 

[pirate]

Four old-time guys were playing their weekly
game of golf. One remarked how nice it would be to wake up
on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an
argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies
and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do
it! We'll make it a priority - figure out a way and meet
here early, Christmas morning.

Well that Christmas morning arrives,
and there they are on the golf course..

The first guy says, "Boy this
game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring
and she can't take her eyes off it.

The second guy says, "I spent a
ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave
her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.

The third guy says "Well my wife
is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.



They all turned to the last guy in the group
who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.




"I can't believe you all went to
such expense for this golf game.
I slapped my wife on the bum and said, 'Well
babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning - golf course
or intercourse?




She said, Don't forget your hat!

 

[pirate]

President Trump was leaving the white house for his weekend golfing break. A man with a gun came running down the path shouting "I'll kill you .. I'll kill you".

Trumps personal body guard shouted "Micky Mouse" as loud as he could, this disoriented the gun man long enough for the security guard to pop one off stopping the gunman in his tracks.

Later on in the debriefing the head of white house security congratulated Thrumps personal body guard on a job well done, but had to ask "Why did you shout Micky Mouse??" "Errrr I got a little confused... I meant to shout Donald Duck ...."

 

[Wilko]

For those of a certain age
(it's a cartoon dwg and I hope it arrives as loading is a bit wonky this morning)

 

[elsparko]

what do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?











nothing, shes been told twice.

 

[elsparko]

truth

View attachment 41504

 

[elsparko]

feeels

 

[telectrix]

a woman is like a hurricane......when they come, they're wet and windy. when they go, your house has gone with them.

 

[Wilko]

Not that any of this applies to me, no no no, not at all, no. Well maybe.

 

[telectrix]

11. by the time i got to no.6, i'd forgotten the question.

 

[NorCley]

What, lol

 

[Pete999]

Hey it's Sunday today. Pardon. Pension day very soon.

 

[littlespark]

After my tractor joke on another thread I thought i'd jot down a few more. Then I saw this thread.. so here goes;...

Q. How many electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One... and its not a bulb, its a lamp.

Q. How many DIY Daves does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. Get a professional in

Q. How many Bollywood dancers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. All of them!

 

[telectrix]

Q. how many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

A. only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.

 

[Pete999]

How many Rastafarians doe it take to change a bul? 10 1 to change the bulb an 9 to work the sound system

 

[pirate]

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

Fish...

 

[telectrix]

mate in Blackpool has just been sacked from the dodgems. he's suing for funfair dismissal.

 

[littlespark]

Extreme weather warning :

Extreme weather has been predicted for all over the country.
Just this morning, a twister was spotted over London:-

 

[gnuuser]

reminds me of a time my brother and i were installing a transformer at a rv park. the had just bolted the base to the concrete pad and i was doing an IR and earth resistance test.
We had people walking into the enclosure fence to see what we were doing.
anyhow my brother walked around a joint of conduit as if he was picking cherries off an invisible tree and eating them.
i yelled at him to save some for me!
they must have thought we were daft and left us alone!
we kept laughing the rest of the day!

 

[Wilko]

The secret ingredient...

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"OK, how about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" He asks.
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" She replies.
The local police officer happens to be sitting in the next booth and having a chuckle to himself, he thinks I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along with their walking sticks, leaning on each other for support. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern, the old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in... Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man was barely able to reply,"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

 

[littlespark]

My wife just told me to leave because I was obsessed with Only Fools And Horses...
"fine" I said "I'll fetch the suitcase from the van".....

 

[123]

 

[littlespark]

I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes....

It's all about raisin awareness, really.

 

[Pete999]

I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes....

It's all about raisin awareness, really.

That's a currant type of joke

 

[telectrix]

A.C.or D.C?