Things my Missus says.

[telectrix]

mine asked me why it was that she didn't fart anywhere as often as me. i told her that it was because she couldn't keep her mouth shut long enough to build up the necessary pressure.

 

[trev]

It's not the wife who comes out with the howlers it's our very blond daughter.
Daughter "Dad, which animal do you get leather from?"
Me "Cows usually but pretty much any animal's skin can be tanned"
Daughter "So we don't get leather from foxes?"
Me "WHAT? Are you on drugs?"
Daughter "I've seen some cushions made from fox leather"
Me "Show me them"
So a new window was opened and on this shop's site was this cushion, made from faux leather.
Where did we go wrong? Her exam results were fantastic.

 

[Besoeker]

My wife if from USA. A Southern Belle. And very both.
I'm reminded of this, attributed to George Bernard Shaw, at times.

The English and the Americans are two peoples divided by a common language.

It can be funny at times.
We were travelling and going to be away for few days. She was packing a suitcase.
"What do you need?"
"About seven T-shirts."
I got seven vests.
And no T-shirts.

 

[Sintra]

I watched that autopsy show a while back where the guy with the hat chops bodies apart and lays the parts out on a table. Was telling the Mrs about him having some guys brain and spinal chord all set out when she pipes up "was he dead"

 

[Andy78]

I can't think off hand what daft thing the missus says, but on a similar note we was at the airport collecting the parents and our little lad asked "what is dome-stic arrivals?" we both said "what" then he pointed to the sign "domestic arrivals" lol.

I must admit I had a very similar one myself today. I typed in toolstation on my phone to look something up on their site. You know your phone suggests words for you ? well one of the words suggested instead of toolstation was molestation. I'm sat there thinking "so the furry little buggers have got an underground train system now eh ?" before I twigged it was on about a popular 70s past-time among TV celebrities.

 

[trev]

She's messing about on the floor this day with the grandson who was just about crawling at the time. I'd bought him this Shrek toy to encourage him, donkey would walk a bit then Eddie Murphy's voice would come out with lines from the film then off it would go again.
Eventually she looks at me and says "So at what age do donkeys become horses?"

 

[soss]

I can't think off hand what daft thing the missus says, but on a similar note we was at the airport collecting the parents and our little lad asked "what is dome-stic arrivals?" we both said "what" then he pointed to the sign "domestic arrivals" lol.

Similar to "Dome-Stick Installer".
"I'm a qualified Dome-Stick Installer". Chat-up line to die for.
You can even write it on the side of your van.