Things my Missus says.

[Slowhand]

I know I’ll get flack for this so please don’t anyone take this personally.

My Missus unintentionaly comes out with some absolute howlers that just crack me up and I thought I’d share the latest one with you.

Our nephew has just got an NVQ2 in washing up and sandwich making or something similar so being chuffed about it he came round to tell us.
The missus asks me what’s the difference between C&G and NVQ?
Being busy reading the forum and not wanting to get involved in a long convo about certificates and equivalents I say ‘What do You think the difference is?’
‘Well’ she says, ‘ City and Guilds means you go to college and study for years, sit proper exams and if you pass them you’re a qualified tradesman.’
“ Correct” I say, “ So what does NVQ mean?”
She looks at the nephew and said “ You didn’t go to college did you love? You didn’t sit any exams either.”
“So what does NVQ mean then?”
She looked at me and said……
“ Not Very Qualified??”
I nearly p1ssed myself laughing.

 

[Guest77]

[h=2]Things my Missus says.[/h]
How do I get to Cheltenham? (we live 5 miles from it)
Not tonight I have a headache
Mum is coming around for christmas lunch mike, thats okay isn't it? (I know her mother is listening)
what time did you get in last night? (I know she was awake looking at the clock)

The list could be so big I wouldn't be able to fit it in the post, just a few prime examples to start lol

 

[Pete999]

What do you mean you're going to the pub?
What time do you call this?
What do you want for tea? egg and chips, "not chips again"
When I was working always got in about 17:00. 17:04 where thr hell have you been? the list goes on and on

 

[Guest77]

Why don't you try to create a conversation with my mother? she feels unwanted when she comes around.


lolhahahhehehe

 

[camerabloke]

Is it in yet

 

[Guest77]

Hurry up and get it over with

 

[Octopus]

A picture is worth a thousand words!

My misses recently emailed me with a title "remember this" and I thought hum, a memory from our kid free past? nice holiday? night out?

No - a photo of my lunch stuff on the worktop above the dishwasher. gr.............

 

[Slowhand]

We were out shopping the other day and she looked at me and said "Can we go get something to eat I'm Cliff Richard"......
It took me 5 mins to work out she meant Hank Marvin...

 

[Pete999]

We were out shopping the other day and she looked at me and said "Can we go get something to eat I'm Cliff Richard"......
It took me 5 mins to work out she meant Hank Marvin...

Bit slow there hand

 

[dansk]

I can't think off hand what daft thing the missus says, but on a similar note we was at the airport collecting the parents and our little lad asked "what is dome-stic arrivals?" we both said "what" then he pointed to the sign "domestic arrivals" lol.

 

[telectrix]

mine asked me why it was that she didn't fart anywhere as often as me. i told her that it was because she couldn't keep her mouth shut long enough to build up the necessary pressure.

 

[trev]

It's not the wife who comes out with the howlers it's our very blond daughter.
Daughter "Dad, which animal do you get leather from?"
Me "Cows usually but pretty much any animal's skin can be tanned"
Daughter "So we don't get leather from foxes?"
Me "WHAT? Are you on drugs?"
Daughter "I've seen some cushions made from fox leather"
Me "Show me them"
So a new window was opened and on this shop's site was this cushion, made from faux leather.
Where did we go wrong? Her exam results were fantastic.

 

[Besoeker]

My wife if from USA. A Southern Belle. And very both.
I'm reminded of this, attributed to George Bernard Shaw, at times.

The English and the Americans are two peoples divided by a common language.

It can be funny at times.
We were travelling and going to be away for few days. She was packing a suitcase.
"What do you need?"
"About seven T-shirts."
I got seven vests.
And no T-shirts.

 

[Sintra]

I watched that autopsy show a while back where the guy with the hat chops bodies apart and lays the parts out on a table. Was telling the Mrs about him having some guys brain and spinal chord all set out when she pipes up "was he dead"

 

[Andy78]

I can't think off hand what daft thing the missus says, but on a similar note we was at the airport collecting the parents and our little lad asked "what is dome-stic arrivals?" we both said "what" then he pointed to the sign "domestic arrivals" lol.

I must admit I had a very similar one myself today. I typed in toolstation on my phone to look something up on their site. You know your phone suggests words for you ? well one of the words suggested instead of toolstation was molestation. I'm sat there thinking "so the furry little buggers have got an underground train system now eh ?" before I twigged it was on about a popular 70s past-time among TV celebrities.

 

[trev]

She's messing about on the floor this day with the grandson who was just about crawling at the time. I'd bought him this Shrek toy to encourage him, donkey would walk a bit then Eddie Murphy's voice would come out with lines from the film then off it would go again.
Eventually she looks at me and says "So at what age do donkeys become horses?"

 

[soss]

I can't think off hand what daft thing the missus says, but on a similar note we was at the airport collecting the parents and our little lad asked "what is dome-stic arrivals?" we both said "what" then he pointed to the sign "domestic arrivals" lol.

Similar to "Dome-Stick Installer".
"I'm a qualified Dome-Stick Installer". Chat-up line to die for.
You can even write it on the side of your van.