- Reaction score
- 2,323
-
Please checkout the new poll we will be pushing hard, and want some good stories to come out of this
result are public - you can change your vote over time, which might genuinely be the case from time to time.
Search the forum,
R
B
R
R
Electric chair anyone
H
B
H
B
Have a look on bigclive's YouTube channel, he's done a video of one he took apart
there is an electrode heater designed for heating baby bath water..... rated at 2.5kw actual power 1kw
B
B
B
B
H
Discuss A new jokes thread for your amusement. in the Electricians Chat - Off Topic Chat area at ElectriciansForums.net
- Reaction score
- 997
1. Each player should furnish his own equipment for play - normally one
club and two balls.
2. Play on the course should be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so
may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time
to
admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed
bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played,
or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played.
Upset
course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this
reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own
protection.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly
scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first
time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover
someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all
times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be
temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful
in
this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of
play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush
around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and
approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before
attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily at the course owners
request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play
the same hole several times in one match.
club and two balls.
2. Play on the course should be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so
may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time
to
admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed
bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played,
or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played.
Upset
course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this
reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own
protection.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly
scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first
time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover
someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all
times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be
temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful
in
this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of
play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush
around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and
approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before
attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily at the course owners
request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play
the same hole several times in one match.
OP
R G
No more condoms for me then;
OP
Barry White
scientist have found that many women develop "Hoover Disease". After yrs of marriage, they begin to make a continuous whining noise but don't suck any more.
Last edited by a moderator:
OP
R G
Went to a party with a condom on my nose , when asked what I had come as I said F--- Nose...
OP
R G
Electric chair anyone
- Reaction score
- 997
BIRTH CONTROL FOR GRANDMA
The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new Doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills..
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL Pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in These that that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee...."Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old Granddaughter drinks ...
And believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night.”
The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new Doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills..
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL Pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in These that that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee...."Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old Granddaughter drinks ...
And believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night.”
- Reaction score
- 997
THE NICE MAN BECAME IMPATIENT
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. “Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”
BIOLOGY EXAM:
This is straight from Scotland. Students in an advanced Biology class were taking theirmid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.
The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck............
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A.
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. “Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”
BIOLOGY EXAM:
This is straight from Scotland. Students in an advanced Biology class were taking theirmid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.
The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck............
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A.
- Reaction score
- 997
A RIDE IN THE TAXI
A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and allthe prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the Truth?They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens tothem?"
"Most of them become taxi drivers!!!" she said.
A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and allthe prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the Truth?They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens tothem?"
"Most of them become taxi drivers!!!" she said.
- Reaction score
- 997
A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. "Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?" "Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll." He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll." "Give me the No Name," she says. She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne." "Why?" he asks. "Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!”
- Reaction score
- 997
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer. "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.“Where did you get all t...hat money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Not everybody pays
- Reaction score
- 997
POLICE WARNING:
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many f...emales use a date rape drug on the market called ...Beer. The drug is found in liquid form and available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs".
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. A woman
needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as a "relationship". In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewed enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage". Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this beer and the women administering it..... There are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly affected like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many f...emales use a date rape drug on the market called ...Beer. The drug is found in liquid form and available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs".
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. A woman
needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as a "relationship". In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewed enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage". Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this beer and the women administering it..... There are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly affected like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.
- Reaction score
- 10,616
Here's a vid about the exact same thing; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bNSIymy_Goc
- Reaction score
- 997
LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's... farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her ---- are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's... farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her ---- are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
- Reaction score
- 997
I remember about 40 years ago, not long after we had gotten married...
I took my missus to bed and pleasured her, using a very large, thick cucumber....
We had a fantastic night of sex, and after she reached a multiple orgasm we both fell asleep, extremely exhausted....
But a few hours later, I was awoken by my missus screaming,
"Yes, yes, oh God, I'm cumming, I'm cumming......ooooohhhhhh" and the bed was shaking like a scene from The Excorsist.........
I was in a blind panic, as you may well imagine, and shouting at her, "What the hell is going on"?.....
Once she'd recovered; she replied, "Don't worry, it's only the cucumber repeating on me !....
I took my missus to bed and pleasured her, using a very large, thick cucumber....
We had a fantastic night of sex, and after she reached a multiple orgasm we both fell asleep, extremely exhausted....
But a few hours later, I was awoken by my missus screaming,
"Yes, yes, oh God, I'm cumming, I'm cumming......ooooohhhhhh" and the bed was shaking like a scene from The Excorsist.........
I was in a blind panic, as you may well imagine, and shouting at her, "What the hell is going on"?.....
Once she'd recovered; she replied, "Don't worry, it's only the cucumber repeating on me !....
OP
hightower
Just had a call of a recruitment firm. The lassie on the other side of the phone said "Sir, I have two openings you may be interested in". I replied "from the sound of your voice I think you could have three openings I'd be interested in." The line went quiet for a moment, with the silence broken by her shouting "A$$HOLE". I calmly responded "I'd prefer the other two but whatever works for you"
- Reaction score
- 67,281
when i were a lad, i could go into town on a saturday morning with a shilling in my pocket. i could get a bottle of coke, a mars bar, a meat pie, and a couple of bags of crisps and still go home with money. sadly, these days, can't do it. not with all these CCTV cameras about.
OP
Barry White
The welsh invented the condom????
OP
hightower
Yellow. Tester confirmed
OP
Barry White
Was looking on ebay (dont ask ) and this popped up thought is was a joke so put it here but he has actually sold some.
and for anyone wanting one
USB Hole Warmer for Message/Flashlight Toy Men's ****UK STOCK**** | eBay
and for anyone wanting one
USB Hole Warmer for Message/Flashlight Toy Men's ****UK STOCK**** | eBay
Last edited by a moderator:
- Reaction score
- 17,151
Was looking on ebay (dont ask ) and this popped up thought is was a joke so put it here but he has actually sold some.
and for anyone wanting one
USB Hole Warmer for Message/Flashlight Toy Men's ****UK STOCK**** | eBay
Have a look on bigclive's YouTube channel, he's done a video of one he took apart
- Reaction score
- 3,768
have you seen his baby-cutor vid?
there is an electrode heater designed for heating baby bath water..... rated at 2.5kw actual power 1kw
OP
Barry White
How I learned to mind my own business
- Reaction score
- 49
OP
Barry White
Proof that a dog is a mans best friend? Lock your dog and your wife in the car boot for an hour then open and see which one loves you the most.
OP
Barry White
THIS IS PRICELESS (shamelessly stolen from another forum)
-Our Phones - Wireless
- Cooking - Fireless
- Cars - Keyless
- Food - Fatless
- Tyres - Tubeless
- Youth - Jobless
- Leaders - Shameless
- Relationships - Meaningless
- Attitudes - Careless
- Babies - Fatherless
- Feelings - Heartless
- Children - Mannerless
- we are SPEECHLESS.
- Government is CLUELESS.
- And our politicians are WORTHLESS!
- I'm scared - ****less!
-Our Phones - Wireless
- Cooking - Fireless
- Cars - Keyless
- Food - Fatless
- Tyres - Tubeless
- Youth - Jobless
- Leaders - Shameless
- Relationships - Meaningless
- Attitudes - Careless
- Babies - Fatherless
- Feelings - Heartless
- Children - Mannerless
- we are SPEECHLESS.
- Government is CLUELESS.
- And our politicians are WORTHLESS!
- I'm scared - ****less!
OP
Barry White
The I syndrome
- Reaction score
- 997
A farmer has 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell.
The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve got this great rooster, named Randy. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.”
Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’d be worth it. So, he buys Randy.
The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard first giving the rooster a pep talk, “Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot. -WHAM!- Randy nails every hen in the hen house – three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again – WHAM! He gets all the geese!
By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught – worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob – stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful – and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.”
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, “Shhh, they’re getting closer “
The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve got this great rooster, named Randy. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.”
Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’d be worth it. So, he buys Randy.
The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard first giving the rooster a pep talk, “Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot. -WHAM!- Randy nails every hen in the hen house – three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again – WHAM! He gets all the geese!
By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught – worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob – stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful – and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.”
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, “Shhh, they’re getting closer “
OP
hightower
Ha nice one LeeH! I made that image a few months ago and submitted it to on the tools (facebook page) - seems it's doing the rounds....
- Reaction score
- 3,768
i got a call from a recruitment place about training to be a fire and security engineer...... starting at 22k as a grade 1 and they train you up im tempted ive seen adt and others commerical installs
Reply to A new jokes thread for your amusement. in the Electricians Chat - Off Topic Chat area at ElectriciansForums.net
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