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An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days. This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.

The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.

She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:

"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
 
An old married couple was sitting in their rocking chairs enjoying a beautiful sunset when the old man looked at his wife and said "fvk you!"

A few minutes passed when the woman turned and said the same thing to her husband.

After about half an hour of this the old man said "I'll never understand why kids today like this oral sex so much!"
 
Two drunk men are walking down the street and come across a dog out front a yard licking his nuts,
One guy says out loud, I wish I can do that!
The other quickly replies, " well, I'd pet him first!"
 
specs said:
Two drunk men are walking down the street and come across a dog out front a yard licking his nuts,
One guy says out loud, I wish I can do that!
The other quickly replies, " well, I'd pet him first!"
Click to expand...

Love this joke, although it was 'well I won't tell/well that's just sick'
 
A husband caught with his trousers down by his wife. An almighty row ensued resulting in the wife demanding a split up. He packed his bags and was leaving when, as he opened the door, she said, "I hope you have a long slow painful death". To which he replied, "Changed your mind then!"
 
A drunk is staggering down the street and comes across a disconsolate guy with his head stuck under the bonnet of his car.
"What's the problem, mate?"
"Piston broke."
"So am I," replied the drunk.
 
Every night I do the following before I go to bed:

1. Put the cat out
2. Turn off the TV
3. Close the windows
4. Close the curtains
5. Lock the front door
6. SHOOT WHOEVER IS IN MY BATHROOM 5 TIMES WITH A GUN
7. Go to sleep

Oscar Pistorius has nothing to worry about !!
 
Last edited:
Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden . . . POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?

Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life ... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"

THEN POOF! ... she was gone. After Dave got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend Fred. "Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussywillows."

Dave yells back......

"DON'T SWING FRED!!! For God's sake, DON'T SWING!!"
 
tazz said:
Every night I do the following before I go to bed:

1. Put the cat out
2. Turn off the TV
3. Close the windows
4. Close the curtains
5. Lock the front door
6. SHOOT WHOEVER IS IN MY BATHROOM 5 TIMES WITH A GUN
7. Go to sleep

Oscar Pistorius has nothing to worry about !!
Click to expand...
Doesn't have a leg to stand on.........
 
Just incase the missus gets up in the middle of the night
using-toilet-please-dont-shoot-oscar-pistorius-bathroom-writing-13619576148.jpg
 
I've opened a bakery recently and a lady phoned me up, wanting a cake with 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY, I SvCK COKS' written on it. I thought it was weird but made it anyway. Mrs Cox was fvking furious when I delivered it. So was her son, Isaac.....
 
There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farm hand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash. "No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!" The farm hand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper.

This went on for three days....and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper. On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farm hand was and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like hell. ( I think they eat these in Merseyside Shanky )
 
SUPERSEX
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
 
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck.."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked..

"To get my teeth!"
 
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name.. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
 
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"
 
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
 
Teacher asks little Billy to make a sentence with the word "terrain" in it Billy replies "thats easy miss, according to the weather forecast it's going te rain over the weekend"
 
Jerry Seinfeld
· The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

· Morning differences: Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it! We just wake up and we want you! And the women are thinking: "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you! We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve
 
I originally heard this on a Billy Connoly tape. I have tried to avoid words that are (a) offensive and (b) local and unintelligible.

One day the Russian Circus came to Glasgow. At the end of the show the ringmaster made an announcement of a special act – Ivan the Terrible, a Russian wrestler.
Ivan has two special holds, the Half Pretzel which always causes an immediate submission by the opponent, and the Full Pretzel which breaks his back. So the ringmaster starts his spiel :
“One thousand pounds for anyone who can last three minutes with Ivan the Terrible”
Immediately Wee Hughie hears the amount of money he jumps up without thinking much about the consequences.
“I’ll do it, I’ll do it, I’ll do it” (More like “Ah’ll dae it“ but this is the international version !)
So Wee Hughie gets in the ring and strips down ready to tackle Ivan. The ringmaster brings in Ivan, a huge man, covered in hair and tattooed everywhere. Ivan just grunts and bares his teeth and dribbles. An absolute animal. Wee Hughie stands back in amazement at what he has let himself in for, but then starts to think about the money again (he would, being a Scot).
So the bout starts and pretty soon Big Ivan gets Wee Hughie in the half Pretzel. The crowd gasp……
Then, Ivan gets Hughie’s other arm and the Full Pretzel is on. A terrified hush falls on the crowd…..

Suddenly Big Ivan comes flying off and cracks his head on the edge of the circus ring and falls unconscious. The crowd go absolutely wild.
The ringmaster comes over to congratulate Hughie and give him the money.
“So Hughie, this has never been done before – tell us how you did it.”
“Aye weel, it was like this. He got me in that Pretzel thing and I could just feel the life draining out of my body. Suddenly, I saw it there right in front of me – this huge great Willie. So I sank my teeth right into it. And you know, it’s amazing the surge of strength you get when you bite your own Willie”
 
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.

The barman says "you mean a martini?"

The Roman says

"If I wanted a double I would have asked for it"



and....

another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says

"five beers please"
 
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